Day 12

"What in me is dark, illumine" . . . John Milton

That's a profound and raw and scary thought. Yet I found myself face to face with some darkness in me this last year that I never expected to find. I'm smart enough to know that if it wasn't illumined, the darkness would grow. Thankfully I obeyed, and brought it to light, and God's been able to move in, heal, and restore. But I often find myself wondering how do I make sure I steward being authentic well, in the future. Examining this last year, I find several things that aided in my being courageous enough to bring sin and pain to light, and being authentic about dealing with it.

First- I remember what I've been taught. I grew up in a family that valued truth. My parents didn't gloss over real or hard issues. They included us kids as much as was appropriate, and we were able to learn that sin needs to be dealt with, even if it's painful or embarrassing. Oh how I wish people could have had parents like mine who don't run from conflict, but navigate it as best they can to reach a Godly resolution. What a gift we were given.

Second, I remembered my vows. My marriage is the most sacred thing to me, and choosing to be honest in the vows I took 13 years ago is not always the easiest thing to do. It requires gut-wrenching authenticity. But I made those vows, and I meant them with all my heart, so either I honor them or I'm a fraud.

Third- I remember my children. Apart from James, my boys are the most important people in my life. They are watching my every move with keen keen awareness and understanding, even at the tender ages of 5 and 8. If I choose to be a coward, guess who's watching. If I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit in my life, guess who will also? I'll do anything for my kids, including dealing with myself.

Fourth- I intentionally put people in my life that I knew wouldn't put up with easy or cop-out answers. They would push depth and ask hard questions. They will flat out tell me if I'm being an idiot. They'll call me out if I'm fake or holding back, they'll bolster me up when I can't do it anymore, and they'll cover me in prayer. These are people who genuinely have my and my family's best interests at heart, and I'm eternally grateful for them. But it required asking them to be that for me.

Fifth- I remember who I belong to. I've publicly declared that my life is not my own, so when I choose to not be authentic, I'm selfishly holding my life tight rather than giving God full-access. Either I'm a Christ-follower, or I'm not. He gets all of me, or He doesn't. There's no room for grey in this matter for me. Sometimes this is inconvenient, when I want to be selfish or do my own thing or take the easy way, but I'm so grateful that I was raised in this Truth and claimed it for my life at a young age. It has saved me from a great deal of pain, and it's helped form me in to who I am today. I don't desire to be inauthentic, and hopefully, all who come in contact with me realize this, and more importantly, realize that the only reason I can be an authentic person is by surrendering myself daily to the work of God in my life.

These are just a few of the standards I've intentionally put in my life and recognize as necessary guardrails to keep me on a path of authenticity. There are areas I still need to grow in though. Some of them I've already blogged about. Others rear their ugly heads from time to time, and I'm too chicken to deal with them (giving in to fears and insecurities, finding my worth in things other than God, giving in to a life of ease rather than sacrificing for the greater good . . . you know, little things like that)! These are things that keep me from being fully authentic, and therefore, not living to the fullest for what I was created for. Thankfully, God's grace is sufficient and constantly flowing down to cover my weaknesses and sins. But I don't have the luxury of taking that grace for granted. I've been blessed with knowledge about God, and with knowledge comes responsibility. I don't want to be a girl anymore who just feeds on milk, but one who feeds on the tough stuff, the meat. And in that feeding, I want to be authentic, as much as I can, while here on earth. I desperately want to live out 1 Corinthians 13 in my life, and I desperately want to illumine any dark thing that God brings to heart and mind. Feel free to help me do that!

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.