So, I'm kinda tired of talking about me everyday, so I'm gonna ask about you! What are some of the things that are hard for you to let control of? Do you find it easy or hard to be a self-disciplined person? Have you ever tried a fast or Lent before? I'm not asking these to get dirt on you, I'm just genuinely curious! What helped you? What was hard? If you haven't, what's stopping you?
I'm seriously curious about how different people respond to the same, or at least similar, circumstances. All of you know James and I are doing this fast together. He doesn't cheat. He's not even tempted to. It irritates the heck out of me! He's content eating 6+ pieces of fruit a day (GAG!!!!) as well as things that don't even look appetizing. I really don't think this is a struggle for him. What he struggles with, I'm not even tempted by nor do I miss. (and just in case you're wondering what that is, you'll have to ask him. this blog's about me, not my hubby's dirt)! He not only eats perfectly, he can exercise while he does it. Everyone asks me if I enjoy all the energy I have on my "vegan" diet. And I'm still wondering, "what energy?" Besides my stomach hurting horribly every few days and my cravings for things I can't have, I have noticed nothing in my physical health or appearance on this diet. In fact, I've actually been more uncomfortable. I'm freezing all the time, and my joints hurt like crazy! Apparently the same favor God had on Daniel is not on me with this juncture. That's okay, really!. I'm just curious. I know God has His purposes, and I truly believe what I will notice at the end of all this won't necessarily be a physical change, but an emotional and spiritual one. I just pray that it's lasting.
Tomorrow I get to prepare for Sabbath! And we have some fun plans for the weekend, including a date night and a wedding! What better way to celebrate a Sabbath than with a wedding?! Because of how much I've wanted to quit this whole thing this week, I think I'm even more excited to celebrate the freedom I have in Christ! I have more thoughts, particularly on contentment, but I'm gonna save them for tomorrow b/c I'm sleepy, and I wanna make sure I have something to talk about tomorrow night! May the Lord bless you and keep you! May the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and give you peace! Goodnight!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Day 22
Today I'm gonna let someone else write for me. I follow a psuedo-blog of an incredible Christian leader, Ruth Haley Barton, and today's really spoke to me. Much of what she writes on here resonated with much of what I've been thinking about Lent. If you get a chance, read it!
http://www.thetransformingcenter.org/blog/ereflections/the-wilderness-within/
http://www.thetransformingcenter.org/blog/ereflections/the-wilderness-within/
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Day 20
Halfway there! Though in all honesty, I want to quit tomorrow. Note to anyone reading this- in no world does lentil "spaghetti sauce" and rice spaghetti noodles taste good! It was a good idea in theory, but epic fail! James appeared to have liked it, but then again, I imagine anything warm tastes good after only eating fruit the entire day. There's a reason why beans and rice are a staple in the world's diet. They actually never really fail to deliver. Anyway, aside from food, today was fine. It's literally easier to not eat anything than try to come up with tastey and nutritious meals on this fast. I know there's all sorts of recipes out there, but the guidelines we decided to go with, almost all of those recipes are nixed. So, I ended my day with a bag of salt/lime popcorn, and I pray tomorrow will be better. The end.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Day 19
Well, hmmmmmmmmmm. I really don't want to admit this, but I will. I completely and purposefully broke my fast today. And you want to know the reason why? I made too many amazing enchiladas yesterday that I wanted to eat them again today. So, though I haven't cheated even a little prior to this, I cheated in a major big way today! And since I broke it with enchiladas, why not add samoas (darn girl scouts)and chicken strips to the mix too! If you know me, you know that I have a bit of a bad girl in me. I challenge people and systems, I push envelopes, and I don't like doing things because it's expected. I figured this was coming at some point, and chicken and cheese enchiladas seemed as good a reason as any! See why I hate setting up goals? Now I get to deal with guilt and shame and all those lame emotions just because I told everyone I wasn't gonna eat certain foods. But, at least I don't lie! That's good! So off to bed I'll go, halfway wishing I hadn't done it, but also feeling a little satisfied b/c they were really good and now I don't have to look at them and be tempted the rest of the week. I'll start over again tomorrow. It seems slightly superficial and trite, but comparatively speaking, I can understand why addicts fall back into their addictions. Sometimes you just want to go back to what you know. Does it make it right? No. Does it make it sinful? Not necessarily in and of itself. Do I allow the same grace that God extends to me when I flub up a simple fast to others I know who struggle with much more significant things? I pray daily that the answer to that is yes! Hopefully none of you out there were taking bets on me! If so, you should have known better!! (-;
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Day 18
It's the end of Sabbath and my stomach isn't killing me!!! Yea!! Much improved from last weeks binge! I really don't have anything new to say today, but I was contemplating on the notion of "rest" today, so I'll share a bit of my thoughts. I actually feel rested, and it's been a long time since that's been the case. One would think I wouldn't as I have 3 extra kiddos in my care this weekend, one of which is a busy one year old, but still, I feel rested. I deliberately chose to not busy myself today with information, people, and stuff. Instead, I chose to sleep in and snuggle. I chose to work alongside my God given partner and best friend in mundane things, which "glory be", turned out not to be mundane with him. I took my time with conversations and little people. I listened to well-performed music. I chose to take a leisurely walk with my brood (cause when there's 7 of you and a canine, you're a brood). I beamed when my little Makena played her piano songs over and over again just for the sheer love of it. I dug deep and began playing songs I haven't touched in years on the piano, again for the same reason. I marveled at kids' resiliency, and I wondered at personality differences that always seem to make it work. I enjoyed food and drink, both partaking in and preparing. I remembered how much fun it is to feed babies and thanked God for the little mouth I was feeding. Basically, I let myself be filled up with things and people that mattered in the long run rather than trying to rush and perform and obligate. As a result, I feel rejuvenated and rested instead of drained and tired, and I actually look forward to corporate worship instead of wishing I could just stay in bed and sleep. Thank you God for resting, and for creating us to need that same rest!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Day 17
Sabbath. This is one practice we've gladly incorporated into our family's life for the past 2 years! It's been intentional and necessary for the break-neck speed we often find ourselves operating in. And it is so good for us! During this time of Lent, it has taken on a celebratory note as well, and not just because we choose to eat whatever, but because we actually stop to think about the sacrifice God made with His Son. We stop to think about what He was going through a few weeks before His death, knowing what was going to come. We think about how He could have stopped what was coming at any point, yet didn't. We think about how He must have felt as a human, and we imagine what He must have felt as God. And we're so very grateful! And that is why we celebrate, and remember, and rest, and worship, and eat good food!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Day 16
In a period of fasting, there comes a time when all you do is covet the thing you can't have. And I have to say, when it comes down to it, the only reason that I continue doing this fast, is b/c I'm competitive and don't give up. I mean, I'm being really good and I don't even cheat! Like not even a little! And I ask myself, "if I'm actually doing this, like really succeeding in this, why is it so hard to do it in real life? Why does it take a specific "thing" for me to be disciplined?"
Shouldn't wanting to be healthy and staving off years of bad health, a fortune of money on medicine and doctor bills, and literal pain to my body be enough to make me do the right thing all the time? One would think, but no . . . not me. I have to have a set period of time and rules and boundaries in place, and let the whole world (well my world) know about it so that I can't get off the hook in order to actually do it. What the heck? How humiliating! And then, instead of enjoying the benefits, physical, mental, or spiritual, of this fast, what I really find myself obsessing about is that thing I can't have. I count down the days till I can eat an egg, a burger, a granita, a piece of toast. It's like I'm missing the whole point . . . or am I?
So many people I know say to take the time of Lent to fill yourself up with Jesus, and that's not a bad thing. But that doesn't work for me when there are glaringly obvious obstacles in the way between me and Him. Sin actually needs to be acknowledged and cleaned up.** There is so much about me that I've just chosen not to acknowledge or deal with that I have had no choice but to come face-to-face with during this fast. And it's not anything as obvious as big resolved or unresolved issues from my past. Rather, it's just the daily patterns that I've functioned in for so long and have operated my life around, that now, just are. And frankly, some of it is quite ugly, shameful, and sinful. Perhaps these things are the thorns in my flesh that will daily have to be dealt with in order to keep me humbled and dependent on God and not my foolish self. But would I even have acknowledged them without taking the time to fast? Would I have been able to see my sickness of self if I hadn't figuratively (and in this case literally) abstained from feeding my "self"? Don't worry, I'm not going down the path to the dark side again, like last week, because I fully realize how good of a life I have. But I am learning that there is something to this time of Lent and purging ones self of self and sin in order to truly appreciate and experience and accept the life-giving sacrifice of the Holy God.
And though I comprehend this in my mind, and with the help of rules and boundaries I can achieve it, and though I whole-heartedly want Jesus to take complete control of those things that are so hard to change and let go of, I fear that my heart will stubbornly kick and scream and throw a temper-tantrum into getting what it wants when it's let loose, even though what it so foolishly wants will ultimately destroy it.
** Just as a disclaimer for those who may be freaking out about my theology, I'm not saying that we have to have all our stuff together and perfect and cleaned up before we can come to Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him. I believe nothing of the sort. My references here have more to do with knowing God intimately and having a long relationship with Him, and just choosing to ignore sin. I believe God has a problem with that. And apparently, so do I.
Shouldn't wanting to be healthy and staving off years of bad health, a fortune of money on medicine and doctor bills, and literal pain to my body be enough to make me do the right thing all the time? One would think, but no . . . not me. I have to have a set period of time and rules and boundaries in place, and let the whole world (well my world) know about it so that I can't get off the hook in order to actually do it. What the heck? How humiliating! And then, instead of enjoying the benefits, physical, mental, or spiritual, of this fast, what I really find myself obsessing about is that thing I can't have. I count down the days till I can eat an egg, a burger, a granita, a piece of toast. It's like I'm missing the whole point . . . or am I?
So many people I know say to take the time of Lent to fill yourself up with Jesus, and that's not a bad thing. But that doesn't work for me when there are glaringly obvious obstacles in the way between me and Him. Sin actually needs to be acknowledged and cleaned up.** There is so much about me that I've just chosen not to acknowledge or deal with that I have had no choice but to come face-to-face with during this fast. And it's not anything as obvious as big resolved or unresolved issues from my past. Rather, it's just the daily patterns that I've functioned in for so long and have operated my life around, that now, just are. And frankly, some of it is quite ugly, shameful, and sinful. Perhaps these things are the thorns in my flesh that will daily have to be dealt with in order to keep me humbled and dependent on God and not my foolish self. But would I even have acknowledged them without taking the time to fast? Would I have been able to see my sickness of self if I hadn't figuratively (and in this case literally) abstained from feeding my "self"? Don't worry, I'm not going down the path to the dark side again, like last week, because I fully realize how good of a life I have. But I am learning that there is something to this time of Lent and purging ones self of self and sin in order to truly appreciate and experience and accept the life-giving sacrifice of the Holy God.
And though I comprehend this in my mind, and with the help of rules and boundaries I can achieve it, and though I whole-heartedly want Jesus to take complete control of those things that are so hard to change and let go of, I fear that my heart will stubbornly kick and scream and throw a temper-tantrum into getting what it wants when it's let loose, even though what it so foolishly wants will ultimately destroy it.
** Just as a disclaimer for those who may be freaking out about my theology, I'm not saying that we have to have all our stuff together and perfect and cleaned up before we can come to Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him. I believe nothing of the sort. My references here have more to do with knowing God intimately and having a long relationship with Him, and just choosing to ignore sin. I believe God has a problem with that. And apparently, so do I.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 15
Well, it's 11:00 it's been a long day and there's nothing new to say! James told me to write that sentence so I could actually go to bed with him. Don't have to tell me twice! Talk to you tomorrow . . .
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Day 14
It's the end of two weeks today!!! And I gotta be honest, I'm sick of beans and fruit!! Potatoes are still on my good list, as is brown rice. I did discover that you can effectively eat well at Moon's Mongolian Grill while on the Daniel Fast tonight! That was a treat! I really wish I had something profound to say today, but I don't. I did tell James that I'm never doing this particular fast for the entirety of Lent again. It's just too long, and it's just too strict! It has forced me, however, to really know and care about what goes in certain foods and how foods are prepared. Oh, and today I discovered hummus. I know, it's been around forever and others partake in it regularly. I'm a little slow in joining the movement. Good stuff! I love how God is willing to meet us where we are without waiting for us to get all our stuff together before having a relationship. I understand also why most people don't blog every day. It gets really cumbersome trying to figure out things to say on a daily basis. Sometimes it's easy, but sometimes not. When you write, you've been taught to write about something worth hearing and to write clearly and concisely, not randomly and fragmented. Sometimes in life, things happen that aren't exactly noteworthy though, and sometimes I'm not particularly clear or concise. Today is one of those days. But still I'll write, b/c I don't quit, and occasionally, greatness comes from a big mess of random and fragments! My hubby just told me goodnight and headed up the stairs, so I'm signing off for tonight.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Day 13
I'm still trying to figure out a way to satisfy the very rare craving I get for sweets without eating fruit and without eating sugar or sugar substitutes. Fruits, b/c I'm bored with them, and sugar and its substitutes, b/c of Lent. Anyhow, I'm having a hard time resisting the girl scout cookies and the ghiradelli brownies that are sitting on the counter tonight. I figure if I throw it out there, I'll be held more accountable . . . at least in theory!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Day 12
I had an incredible time of worship today, and not just at church! I got to sing some amazing songs this morning. I heard a powerful message on the widow's mite (by a very handsome man!). I had the privilege of going to a bridal shower for someone who has waited a long time to find the right man for her. I escorted my 93 year old bike riding and dancing friend, Miss Irene, home after the shower where I got to see her beautiful geraniums on the sun porch in the middle of March in Spokane. I briefly saw one of our family's little miracles, my nephew Cai, for a few minutes while talking to his momma and daddy. I had the opportunity to pray for three dear friends who are struggling with cancer, as well as my dad who is still struggling with his health. I was able to write a reference for a dear friend who is following God's leading in providing a stable home for her abandoned niece. I ate brown rice and raisins, which were surprisingly good together. I actually got to not only see but talk eyeball to eyeball with my husband today for more than 10 minutes. I educated myself more about human trafficking with others from our church, and am asking God how He wants me involved. I drove, along with my family, an emotionally wounded kid home who's trying to figure out his place in this world. I enjoyed a conversation with my boys about heaven and souls and new bodies. I was warmly greeted by my incredible boxer-bulldog, Charlie, and praised him for carrying his 2 foot bone around and not one of the boys' stuffed animals. I was able to witness the healing power God gave our bodies as I tended to the finger my hubby deeply sliced yesterday. And now I get to recall it all in my warm house and comfy sweats, state my gratitude on my fancy laptop, and go to bed thanking God for the life He gave me. Worship is so much more than songs on a Sunday morning! It's a way of life! God, may I always take the time to worship you in my thoughts, actions, words, and attitude no matter what situation I find myself in!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Day 11
Reading the boys their Bible tonight, we were learning about how Ezra and Nehemiah built the walls back around Jerusalem and kept the people focused on God. When the wall was finally completed, Ezra gets out the Law of Moses to read to the people who were gathered together. These are the people of Judah who had been in exile in Babylon because of their sin. They had finally returned "home", and Ezra and Nehemiah say this:
"'This day is sacred to the Lord your God. Do not mourn or weep.' For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.'"
Sam says, "Mom, now I'm confused. Now it seems like there's two reasons why we do Sabbath. The first one is when God rested after making the world. The second one is because we're supposed to celebrate and not be sad, because God saved us like the people who were sad for so long." This seems to indeed be what God is saying, and I appreciate that God not only wants us to rest b/c He created us to need it, but He also wants us to celebrate and remember who He is and what He's done! I'm so thankful that I don't serve a God that wants us to whip ourselves in our sin and shame at every possible turn, but wants to lift our heads when we repent and tell us "remember who I am and let My joy be your strength!" May I have child-like understanding like my son as a finish my day of Sabbath, and may I always remember who God is and what He's done for me!
"'This day is sacred to the Lord your God. Do not mourn or weep.' For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.'"
Sam says, "Mom, now I'm confused. Now it seems like there's two reasons why we do Sabbath. The first one is when God rested after making the world. The second one is because we're supposed to celebrate and not be sad, because God saved us like the people who were sad for so long." This seems to indeed be what God is saying, and I appreciate that God not only wants us to rest b/c He created us to need it, but He also wants us to celebrate and remember who He is and what He's done! I'm so thankful that I don't serve a God that wants us to whip ourselves in our sin and shame at every possible turn, but wants to lift our heads when we repent and tell us "remember who I am and let My joy be your strength!" May I have child-like understanding like my son as a finish my day of Sabbath, and may I always remember who God is and what He's done for me!
Day 10
DOUBLE DIGITS!! Finally! Now, I only have to multiply this by 4 and I'll be done! Seriously, this blogging every day is getting a little much! I have profound moments, but they don't usually happen daily! But I committed, so whoever reads this has to endure whatever comes out! I'm not gonna write a lot, b/c it's bedtime and I'm sitting by myself in the living room while everyone else is in bed. Technically, it's 22 minutes into Day 11, but oh well . . .
Today wasn't the best of days for me. In fact, it was quite horrible. Basically I was in a bad mood all day and I couldn't get out of my head. There are all sorts of contributing factors to this mood, but I'll only touch on some of what identifies with this here blog. (and seriously, why is it called a blog?) I have decided that too much self-reflection is not a good thing. I think this is one reason really "normal" and/or Godly people go crazy . . . literally! I think if one focuses so much on what they are or aren't doing right or wrong, even if they're getting input from outside sources (spouses, God, Bible, family, etc.) then they become tunnel visioned and can't get outside of themselves. Even the people who seemingly are filling themselves totally up with God are often doing it because they're trying to rid themselves of the sin and guilt and "self" that plagues them. Then what often (not always, but often) happens, is they're not actually dealing with the problem of that sin and guilt and "self" and just covering it up with God. STUPID! God doesn't want to be a band-aid. He wants to heal us. God doesn't want to give us a pat on the back. He wants to free us. And God doesn't want us to be programmed robotic carbon-copies of Him. He wants us, in all our quirky and weirdly wired ways, to reflect Him. Does that mean we need to self-reflect? Absolutely, b/c we are messed up and sinful, and that needs to be dealt with. Regularly. But are we supposed to do it to the point that we irritate everyone around us, aren't enjoyable to be around, are rendered useless b/c we have no confidence, and in trying to rid ourselves of self we actually become more full of ourselves? Nope. Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else, but God made sense of it today for me. So, for the next few days, I'll continue to write about my journey, but it may have a little less self-reflection, because frankly, I need a break, and I need to enjoy the wonderful life and people that I've been given!
Nite nite . . . !
Today wasn't the best of days for me. In fact, it was quite horrible. Basically I was in a bad mood all day and I couldn't get out of my head. There are all sorts of contributing factors to this mood, but I'll only touch on some of what identifies with this here blog. (and seriously, why is it called a blog?) I have decided that too much self-reflection is not a good thing. I think this is one reason really "normal" and/or Godly people go crazy . . . literally! I think if one focuses so much on what they are or aren't doing right or wrong, even if they're getting input from outside sources (spouses, God, Bible, family, etc.) then they become tunnel visioned and can't get outside of themselves. Even the people who seemingly are filling themselves totally up with God are often doing it because they're trying to rid themselves of the sin and guilt and "self" that plagues them. Then what often (not always, but often) happens, is they're not actually dealing with the problem of that sin and guilt and "self" and just covering it up with God. STUPID! God doesn't want to be a band-aid. He wants to heal us. God doesn't want to give us a pat on the back. He wants to free us. And God doesn't want us to be programmed robotic carbon-copies of Him. He wants us, in all our quirky and weirdly wired ways, to reflect Him. Does that mean we need to self-reflect? Absolutely, b/c we are messed up and sinful, and that needs to be dealt with. Regularly. But are we supposed to do it to the point that we irritate everyone around us, aren't enjoyable to be around, are rendered useless b/c we have no confidence, and in trying to rid ourselves of self we actually become more full of ourselves? Nope. Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else, but God made sense of it today for me. So, for the next few days, I'll continue to write about my journey, but it may have a little less self-reflection, because frankly, I need a break, and I need to enjoy the wonderful life and people that I've been given!
Nite nite . . . !
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Day 9
So several people have asked about the name of my blog, "rediscovering me." A while back, I was going through a LOT of transitions, and wasn't having an easy time with it. So me, being me, decided to process it all out by writing. Except I never did it, at least publicly, b/c frankly, somethings get to be private! Anyhow, I decided at the time that it didn't need to go on my family blog, so I'd start a personal blog. Hence the name. It has nothing to do with Lent or this fast, but just a name I came up with as a way to get back in touch with the girl I used to know so well and over the years has become secondary to many different things. Just in case anyone else was wondering . . .
"Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me.
Christ inside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger.
Christ in heart of all that love me
Christ in every friend and stranger."
St. Patrick
Contrary to popular belief, today really isn't about leprechauns, corned beef, or the color green, though all those things are fun! It's about a man who's life was sold out to Christ. If I really lived the words of St. Patrick out, how would my life be different? How would it be the same? Would I have such a problem focusing 40 days on something other than me? Would it compel me to go serve those who have taken me captive? Would I still struggle as much as I do now with essentially the same things? Would I fall into a legalistic trap of feeling like a failure, or would I be able to experience the fullness of God's grace? More things for me to ponder and put into practice!
"Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me.
Christ inside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger.
Christ in heart of all that love me
Christ in every friend and stranger."
St. Patrick
Contrary to popular belief, today really isn't about leprechauns, corned beef, or the color green, though all those things are fun! It's about a man who's life was sold out to Christ. If I really lived the words of St. Patrick out, how would my life be different? How would it be the same? Would I have such a problem focusing 40 days on something other than me? Would it compel me to go serve those who have taken me captive? Would I still struggle as much as I do now with essentially the same things? Would I fall into a legalistic trap of feeling like a failure, or would I be able to experience the fullness of God's grace? More things for me to ponder and put into practice!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Day 8
So again, don't have much time to blog tonight as I was at church late and have to prep for co-op tomorrow, but it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more time to write my thoughts. I have had interesting discussion, however, on what Lent is with people though. I've shared other links in past days, but this here's one that's also been interesting for me, especially in the historical department of learning more. Good old wikipedia! Obviously it's not the "be all, end all" of the history of Lent, but it's a good starting point for more research! Oh, and almond butter ROCKS!!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Day 7
A full seven days! Yea! Today is going to be short and not really profound. I'm getting a cold and need to get to bed. Eating was a challenge today. Really wanted something comforting to eat due to the not feeling well. I ate red potatoes, a veggie patty, and half an avocado instead. The good news is I've lost 12 pounds on this here fast. I doubt it will keep coming off at that fast of a rate, but it does feel good to have results even if they're not really noticeable! I also can tell God's doing something in me too, and that feels good as well. Much too tired to go into it now though. Perhaps tomorrow will find me in a more chatty mood! Till then . . .
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day 6
Nothing terribly exciting happening today, so probably not too much to say here. This is seemingly getting easier and is becoming more of the "norm" for me, which I suppose is good. However, I'm curious as to how quickly I'll go back to my old ways of eating as soon as this fast is over. That's one reason I'm glad I get the Sabbaths off, b/c it makes it more realistic. In terms of emotional stuff, I'm reading "The High Cost of High Control" by Dr. Tim Kimmell. A must read for anyone who's alive. I actually bought it as a parenting book, but it isn't exclusively. It applies to all areas of life, and offers a very good and clear perspective on strong personalities. Anyhow, reading this continues to make me aware of some of the dangers of my personality and how to avoid letting it take over me and bleed onto others in a toxic way.
Spiritually, I can tell Satan is trying to bring me to a helpless state with all the news about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the death of a baby of people I know, a friend my age having breast cancer and a double mastectomy, my dad having some undiagnosed health problems still 3 months after a fall where he broke 5 ribs and seriously damaged his lungs, and on and on and on. Thankfully I'm very aware of God right now, and I know He's bigger than all these things, so I'm not sinking into a depression of sorts, but Satan sure does love to try. It's amazing to me though how with just a slight lack of focus on God, I can easily get trapped in Satan's snares. But, when you're actively participating in something with God, it really clarifies your focus. Again, maybe there is more to this Lent thing than I first thought. However, I don't really want it to be just a 40 day deal and then go back to life as usual. I'd rather it be a lifestyle (novel concept, I know). I still haven't come to terms with Lent as a whole. Yes, good things are coming out of it for me, but frankly, if I were to do this everyday of my life, there would be similar results. I don't get the purpose of doing things like this just for a "season" as if being intentional with God should be optional or seasonal. But maybe I'm misinterpreting the purpose of Lent.
Apparently for some, Lent is as important or equal to in stature as Advent. It's a time of preparation- Advent is prepping for Christ's birth and Lent is prepping for His death and resurrection. So if that's the case, why don't we sing songs at church about that for the 4 weeks or so before hand, like we do Advent songs before Christmas? Why don't we do something like a Lent calendar to remind us specifically of the cross? I know people have verse readings, but honestly, the ones I've used or seen seem pretty out of context and ineffective. It seems like many people use Lent to promote something rather than reflect on Someone. And I still don't get the "giving up" aspect to Lent. We don't do that in Advent. I'm not saying I'm opposed to it (obviously, b/c look at what I'm doing here), but I just don't get it. Why not have the time of Lent be more like Advent where it's more "preparation" in nature, and then during the summer months or between the two holidays where it kinda feels like a desert time in life, throw in the time of fasting and wilderness and giving things up? Can you tell I'm a natural organizer? I'm sure I would have been excommunicated from the early church who planned all this out b/c I ask too many questions. Anyways, I'm trying to figure all this out in my little brain, but more, figure it all out for my little brain, so that when this 40 days is over, I'll have a clear plan as to how I want to implement parts of this in my own life on a regular basis because it is life-changing, irregardless of what a church calendar says.
So, apparently when I don't have a lot to say, I still say a lot. Thanks for listening to me ramble with myself!
Spiritually, I can tell Satan is trying to bring me to a helpless state with all the news about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the death of a baby of people I know, a friend my age having breast cancer and a double mastectomy, my dad having some undiagnosed health problems still 3 months after a fall where he broke 5 ribs and seriously damaged his lungs, and on and on and on. Thankfully I'm very aware of God right now, and I know He's bigger than all these things, so I'm not sinking into a depression of sorts, but Satan sure does love to try. It's amazing to me though how with just a slight lack of focus on God, I can easily get trapped in Satan's snares. But, when you're actively participating in something with God, it really clarifies your focus. Again, maybe there is more to this Lent thing than I first thought. However, I don't really want it to be just a 40 day deal and then go back to life as usual. I'd rather it be a lifestyle (novel concept, I know). I still haven't come to terms with Lent as a whole. Yes, good things are coming out of it for me, but frankly, if I were to do this everyday of my life, there would be similar results. I don't get the purpose of doing things like this just for a "season" as if being intentional with God should be optional or seasonal. But maybe I'm misinterpreting the purpose of Lent.
Apparently for some, Lent is as important or equal to in stature as Advent. It's a time of preparation- Advent is prepping for Christ's birth and Lent is prepping for His death and resurrection. So if that's the case, why don't we sing songs at church about that for the 4 weeks or so before hand, like we do Advent songs before Christmas? Why don't we do something like a Lent calendar to remind us specifically of the cross? I know people have verse readings, but honestly, the ones I've used or seen seem pretty out of context and ineffective. It seems like many people use Lent to promote something rather than reflect on Someone. And I still don't get the "giving up" aspect to Lent. We don't do that in Advent. I'm not saying I'm opposed to it (obviously, b/c look at what I'm doing here), but I just don't get it. Why not have the time of Lent be more like Advent where it's more "preparation" in nature, and then during the summer months or between the two holidays where it kinda feels like a desert time in life, throw in the time of fasting and wilderness and giving things up? Can you tell I'm a natural organizer? I'm sure I would have been excommunicated from the early church who planned all this out b/c I ask too many questions. Anyways, I'm trying to figure all this out in my little brain, but more, figure it all out for my little brain, so that when this 40 days is over, I'll have a clear plan as to how I want to implement parts of this in my own life on a regular basis because it is life-changing, irregardless of what a church calendar says.
So, apparently when I don't have a lot to say, I still say a lot. Thanks for listening to me ramble with myself!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 5
Crap- I'm officially an emotional-stress eater. I've always known this, but it was confirmed today. Without going into all the irritating details, church this morning was less than an awesome experience for me (to be clear, I wasn't actually in the worship service but led children's church). In the chaos that ensued, I found myself herding cats by the refreshment table while mayhem reigned, when suddenly out went the hand, grabbed was the cookie, and straight in my mouth in one fell swoop. I honestly didn't even know I did it till 5 minutes later when I was talking to James about coordinating the kids and cars and all the things we coordinate in the span of 30 seconds between conversations when all of a sudden it hit me that "i ate a freakin' chocolate chip cookie, and i didn't even realize it!" Man oh man. Honestly, I could care less about the cookie because God's grace is sufficient and I needed the extra calories today (I'm still 600 under for the day as I type), but the fact that I didn't even realize what I was doing or remember that I was on this fast really frustrates me! Am I really that weak and numb and forgetful when I'm stressed out or have more than one thing really pressing on my mind? Or was it the high range and intensity of emotions running in me that triggered my eating tirade? Well, maybe not a tirade, but you know what I'm saying! God made it very evident to me today that I have some coping skills to work on and probably haven't even invited Him into. Yea, more personal growth (said in monotone voice with sarcastic flare). And putting my counselor hat on, I'm pretty sure it had to do with the amount of jumbled emotions I was feeling and not the actual chaos of too much going on, b/c frankly, I'm a pretty outstanding juggler!
On a different note, besides that little episode of my human condition, it's been a decent day. The sun actually shone, I wasn't horribly hungry, and after venting to my husband upwards of an hour, I was in a pretty great space! I even made a really good homemade veggie soup that was within the parameters of the fast to be enjoyed later in the evening for dinner (it's no chocolate chip cookie, but it was tasty!). I particularly enjoyed getting to think and pray and strategize with other people in our church tonight about how we personally can get involved with trying to abolish human trafficking in our town. That's the kind of stuff that excites me. And when I sit and ask God to help me see with His eyes how to get involved and help, and I ask Him to give me understanding and knowledge on the subject, I can honestly say there's so many things bigger than a cookie!
"Once I was bound by sin's galling fetters,
Chained like a slave, I struggled in vain;
But I received a glorious freedom,
When Jesus broke my fetters in twain.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.
Freedom from all the carnal affections,
Freedom from envy, hatred and strife;
Freedom from vain and worldly ambitions,
Freedom from all that saddened my life.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.
Freedom from pride and all sinful follies,
Freedom from love and glitter of gold;
Freedom from evil temper and anger,
Glorious freedom, rapture untold.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.
Freedom from fear with all of its torments,
Freedom from care with all of its pain;
Freedom in Christ, my blessed Redeemer,
He who has rent my fetters in twain.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine."
-Haldor Lillenas-
On a different note, besides that little episode of my human condition, it's been a decent day. The sun actually shone, I wasn't horribly hungry, and after venting to my husband upwards of an hour, I was in a pretty great space! I even made a really good homemade veggie soup that was within the parameters of the fast to be enjoyed later in the evening for dinner (it's no chocolate chip cookie, but it was tasty!). I particularly enjoyed getting to think and pray and strategize with other people in our church tonight about how we personally can get involved with trying to abolish human trafficking in our town. That's the kind of stuff that excites me. And when I sit and ask God to help me see with His eyes how to get involved and help, and I ask Him to give me understanding and knowledge on the subject, I can honestly say there's so many things bigger than a cookie!
"Once I was bound by sin's galling fetters,
Chained like a slave, I struggled in vain;
But I received a glorious freedom,
When Jesus broke my fetters in twain.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.
Freedom from all the carnal affections,
Freedom from envy, hatred and strife;
Freedom from vain and worldly ambitions,
Freedom from all that saddened my life.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.
Freedom from pride and all sinful follies,
Freedom from love and glitter of gold;
Freedom from evil temper and anger,
Glorious freedom, rapture untold.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.
Freedom from fear with all of its torments,
Freedom from care with all of its pain;
Freedom in Christ, my blessed Redeemer,
He who has rent my fetters in twain.
Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine."
-Haldor Lillenas-
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Day 4
Physically, today was a breeze, due to Sabbath. Emotionally, much easier as well because I was in more of a celebratory mode, due to Sabbath and eating! I was struck though with how much I thought about other things today than all this Lent/fast/self-discipline stuff, and consequently, how my thoughts weren't quite as focused on Christ. He was still very much present in my mind, but other things definitely vied for attention as well and got more today than they had in a few. Interesting to me that when I'm consciously denying myself, I'm focusing more on Christ. When I'm celebrating Christ, I tend to get lazy in my focus. Perhaps my celebrations need to look differently or be more intentional. Perhaps today was just an unusual or off day because I was playing catch up in other areas. Perhaps there are times to focus on other things. Still learning and processing it all. One thing I do know though . . . whether in fast or feast, I really love being with Jesus!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day 3
Today was easier in a sense b/c I knew tonight we started our Sabbath, which meant real food was coming! And I wasn't in withdrawal mode. I fear though that what I went through the last two days will happen again once Sabbath is over. So though it was mentally easier to keep on keeping on, it was hard because I was emotionally low and crabby. Never a great thing to be when you live with other people. Fortunately those people love me despite myself.
We had dinner with wonderful friends tonight at a wonderful restaurant "The Flying Goat." They make amazing gourmet pizzas. I have to admit, I was pretty tentative putting the first few bites in my mouth. It's just weird when you've told yourself "no" for a few days. The statement is true, "you can't really feast until you have fasted!" Man, pizza has never tasted so good! And yet, it's just food. Do I live my life in such a way that when the real feast of seeing Jesus face to face happens, the fasting here on earth will be worth it? Or does my life even look like a fast? Do I even make room for or notice times of sacrifices, extreme hunger, and longing? Do I try my hardest to avoid those times? When they are there, do I quickly try to fill them up with pleasures and feasts that aren't life-giving or sustaining instead of recognizing them as a time to hand over the controls? These are things I think about. I want to say that I leave room for God to stretch, grow and mold me into His creation and for His purposes, but truthfully I'm learning that I'm really just hoping that He's on board with my desires. The feast is amazing and worth a really high price. I need to make sure I don't take it for granted!
We had dinner with wonderful friends tonight at a wonderful restaurant "The Flying Goat." They make amazing gourmet pizzas. I have to admit, I was pretty tentative putting the first few bites in my mouth. It's just weird when you've told yourself "no" for a few days. The statement is true, "you can't really feast until you have fasted!" Man, pizza has never tasted so good! And yet, it's just food. Do I live my life in such a way that when the real feast of seeing Jesus face to face happens, the fasting here on earth will be worth it? Or does my life even look like a fast? Do I even make room for or notice times of sacrifices, extreme hunger, and longing? Do I try my hardest to avoid those times? When they are there, do I quickly try to fill them up with pleasures and feasts that aren't life-giving or sustaining instead of recognizing them as a time to hand over the controls? These are things I think about. I want to say that I leave room for God to stretch, grow and mold me into His creation and for His purposes, but truthfully I'm learning that I'm really just hoping that He's on board with my desires. The feast is amazing and worth a really high price. I need to make sure I don't take it for granted!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 2
Oi vay . . . this is not easy! Headaches for two days straight and my stomach is all messed up! Too bad we can't get close to Jesus with just our mind, right?! But no, He requires ALL of us-- mind, soul, and body. I'm glad He does though, even if it literally hurts! So thoughts on day one and day two:
- I really like meat
- People either have no interest or great interest in Lent
- Those with great interest have made for good conversations. Gives me something to think on other than all the growling of my tummy.
- Jesus likens fasting to mourning in Matthew 9. Never made that connection before.
- I really like cheese
- I do way better in handling emotional pain than physical pain
- One person's interpretation of the purpose of Lent is "self-examination and penitence, demonstrated by self-denial, in preparation for Easter,*" while anothers' is "return to God with all our hearts.**"
- Avocados and black beans are God's gift to me
- A friend of mine encouraged me by describing Lent as "giving up the things in which we find joy so that our joy can be found solely in Christ."
- I find a lot of joy in food
- I'm a lot colder when I have a restricted diet
- Lent has been around for a LONG time, but very few practice it *
- I really like pizza
- Costco is a very bad place to be when you are hungry
- Edamame is fun to eat
- I better lose a bunch of weight this month
It would be really convenient to pick and choose the parts I want to give to God. Then I could give Him the parts that are really screwed up or really pretty. Because honestly, who doesn't want to be fixed or praised? But all those "common" or seemingly "non-essential" parts of me . . . you know the boring and non-sensational stuff . . . those are the things that make me comfortable and, well, me--I know He wants those things too, and I like to say I give Him those things daily, but do I? Really? Do I really want to give up my "Thursday night family ritual of Costco pizza after gymnastics" for four weeks for the sake of self-examination and penitence? Do I really want to pass on the "apple turnovers my dear co-op friend brought to share with the Spanish class" for the sake of returning to God with all my heart? Do I really want to spend every spare moment of my next 40+ days talking/thinking/arguing with myself or others about ALL THIS? Really?
I'm a smart person. I can think of a million other ways I can self-reflect and return to God, and frankly, they'd be awesome! I could probably even sell them to churches as amazing experiential programs. But, would they cost me anything? Would they challenge me where it counts the most--- where it's comfortable and mundane? Maybe that's where this Lent thing has merit, because maybe it's in the ordinary things that we take for granted (like what we put in our mouths or where we spend our time or what we think about) that God really wants us to give Him. Recently I heard a speaker say, "people are excellent at understanding God's saving grace, but after we're saved, we go right back into functioning in our works based mentality." How true is that? We usually only want God when we're desperate or we're sensational. But then we don't invite Him or His grace in to the rest of our lives because we somehow think we can or should do it on our own. As a result, our lives (mind, soul, and body), the boring things, become totally about us and really not at all about Him. One last thought- don't embark on a journey like this if you're not willing to see the truth about who you are. Till tomorrow . . .
* http://www.christianitytoday.com/ch/news/2004/lent.html
** http://www.thetransformingcenter.org/blog/ereflections/the-fast-god-chooses-an-invitation-to-lent/
- I really like meat
- People either have no interest or great interest in Lent
- Those with great interest have made for good conversations. Gives me something to think on other than all the growling of my tummy.
- Jesus likens fasting to mourning in Matthew 9. Never made that connection before.
- I really like cheese
- I do way better in handling emotional pain than physical pain
- One person's interpretation of the purpose of Lent is "self-examination and penitence, demonstrated by self-denial, in preparation for Easter,*" while anothers' is "return to God with all our hearts.**"
- Avocados and black beans are God's gift to me
- A friend of mine encouraged me by describing Lent as "giving up the things in which we find joy so that our joy can be found solely in Christ."
- I find a lot of joy in food
- I'm a lot colder when I have a restricted diet
- Lent has been around for a LONG time, but very few practice it *
- I really like pizza
- Costco is a very bad place to be when you are hungry
- Edamame is fun to eat
- I better lose a bunch of weight this month
It would be really convenient to pick and choose the parts I want to give to God. Then I could give Him the parts that are really screwed up or really pretty. Because honestly, who doesn't want to be fixed or praised? But all those "common" or seemingly "non-essential" parts of me . . . you know the boring and non-sensational stuff . . . those are the things that make me comfortable and, well, me--I know He wants those things too, and I like to say I give Him those things daily, but do I? Really? Do I really want to give up my "Thursday night family ritual of Costco pizza after gymnastics" for four weeks for the sake of self-examination and penitence? Do I really want to pass on the "apple turnovers my dear co-op friend brought to share with the Spanish class" for the sake of returning to God with all my heart? Do I really want to spend every spare moment of my next 40+ days talking/thinking/arguing with myself or others about ALL THIS? Really?
I'm a smart person. I can think of a million other ways I can self-reflect and return to God, and frankly, they'd be awesome! I could probably even sell them to churches as amazing experiential programs. But, would they cost me anything? Would they challenge me where it counts the most--- where it's comfortable and mundane? Maybe that's where this Lent thing has merit, because maybe it's in the ordinary things that we take for granted (like what we put in our mouths or where we spend our time or what we think about) that God really wants us to give Him. Recently I heard a speaker say, "people are excellent at understanding God's saving grace, but after we're saved, we go right back into functioning in our works based mentality." How true is that? We usually only want God when we're desperate or we're sensational. But then we don't invite Him or His grace in to the rest of our lives because we somehow think we can or should do it on our own. As a result, our lives (mind, soul, and body), the boring things, become totally about us and really not at all about Him. One last thought- don't embark on a journey like this if you're not willing to see the truth about who you are. Till tomorrow . . .
* http://www.christianitytoday.com/ch/news/2004/lent.html
** http://www.thetransformingcenter.org/blog/ereflections/the-fast-god-chooses-an-invitation-to-lent/
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Lent- Day 1
Today is the first day of Lent- March 9, 2011. I'll be honest, I've never really understood the point of Lent. It seems rigid, formal, and legalistic. I know what Christ did for me, and I'm thankful. I didn't feel like I needed to take on the role of a temporary martyr by denying things like sugar, media, and caffeine just to feel closer to Christ. I didn't mind if other people did those things, and I didn't mind if people refrained, like me. I guess it pretty much took up non-issue residence in my mind.
I know many people who do practice Lent annually. Many have grown up practicing Lent in their families and faith backgrounds. Some have taken it up as they've matured. I can honestly say, I really don't see an outward difference in those that do and those who don't practice Lent. So, why do people do it? What's really the purpose? Is it enough just to do it out of duty and tradition, or is there something more behind it? If doing it regularly doesn't actually change you, why do it?
If you know me at all, you know that I don't do anything without asking "why". And so, this is my feeble attempt of asking God "why Lent? What exactly is it? Does it really matter to You? Is this a discipline that is truly important, or have we humans turned something You did into something You never intended us to do? Am I less or more of a Christ-follower if I do this?" These are questions I have. They're questions I've had a for a long time, and frankly have just been too lazy to take the time to ask them.
So, in an attempt to ask these questions well, I'm going to practice Lent this year. My husband has done it a time or two, and honestly, I've chalked his past experiences up to being a "band-wagon jumper" and an homage to his one-year of attending a Catholic College. When he told me he was going to do it again this year, I once again started going down the "seriously?" path. He told me this year he wanted to incorporate the Daniel Fast during Lent, except take Sabbaths off from the fast. They actually have a fast on that? Oh yes. If you google it, you'll find tons of info and blogs. Basically, you'll see that you have to refrain from sweeteners, alcohol, all meat, all dairy, all processed foods, leavened breads, hard fats, beverages except water, and fried foods.
http://danielfast.wordpress.com/daniel-fast-food-list/
Here's one to check out if you're actually interested. Needless to say, this time I was slightly intrigued.
Due to my age and family history, I've taken much more interest in my health and body of late. Both my parents and both my brothers are now type 2 diabetics. The handwriting on the wall does not look good for me unless I start taking my health seriously. So after my own careful researching, I decided I would try this Daniel fast with James, but not for the sake of Lent, but for the sake of my health. Once I committed, I started getting grouchy and feeling very closed in, and I hadn't even started the dumb thing yet! I've now had about three weeks to change my mind about this decision, and in those three weeks I realized a couple of things.
First, I'm a really horrible self-disciplined person. I'm not a quitter, but I'm also not self-disciplined. This is an area I've felt God wanting to grow me in a lot, and I just keep resisting b/c I don't want to purposefully put myself in a position to fail. You see, I'm a perfectionist (shocking, I know), and perfectionists resist things that they can fail at. I never make goals, resolutions, and variations of the such b/c I never see the point. We're human. We fail at things. So why tell the world what you're going to fail at? Anyhow, I felt (or more accurately, it was the Holy Spirit prompting me to feel) this was a great opportunity to not only work on living more healthfully, but at the same time practice self-discipline. Seriously, just writing both those statements was like fingernails on a chalkboard for me.
Secondly, I realized that if I'm really going to commit to two things I seriously find uncomfortable, why not throw in a spiritual component too and take on trying to understand Lent. Honestly, I know it's all inter-related. I have a Master's degree that tells me that. Frankly, maybe my knowledge on all this has actually been more of a hindrance to me than a help. I know this process will be filled with lots of self-discovery, but honestly, I'm hoping it will be filled with a lot more than that!
So, there it is. Starting today, for the next 40 days, I'm going to explore Lent, health, and self-discipline. Just as a forewarning, you may want to stay away from me for the next month, b/c though I'll try to behave, I'm sure there will be some grouchy moments! I'll try to blog something everyday as time allows to keep an account of how I'm doing and what I'm learning. This is for me. You're welcome to read it. You can even leave comments if you like, but I can't guarantee they won't irritate me. If they do, however, I'll get over it! Probably around the same time I get my first slice of cheese or granita or pasta! Now, I'm off to go find something to eat for breakfast!
"We are surrounded by a great cloud of people whose lives tell us what faith means. So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way, and the sin that so easily holds us back."
I know many people who do practice Lent annually. Many have grown up practicing Lent in their families and faith backgrounds. Some have taken it up as they've matured. I can honestly say, I really don't see an outward difference in those that do and those who don't practice Lent. So, why do people do it? What's really the purpose? Is it enough just to do it out of duty and tradition, or is there something more behind it? If doing it regularly doesn't actually change you, why do it?
If you know me at all, you know that I don't do anything without asking "why". And so, this is my feeble attempt of asking God "why Lent? What exactly is it? Does it really matter to You? Is this a discipline that is truly important, or have we humans turned something You did into something You never intended us to do? Am I less or more of a Christ-follower if I do this?" These are questions I have. They're questions I've had a for a long time, and frankly have just been too lazy to take the time to ask them.
So, in an attempt to ask these questions well, I'm going to practice Lent this year. My husband has done it a time or two, and honestly, I've chalked his past experiences up to being a "band-wagon jumper" and an homage to his one-year of attending a Catholic College. When he told me he was going to do it again this year, I once again started going down the "seriously?" path. He told me this year he wanted to incorporate the Daniel Fast during Lent, except take Sabbaths off from the fast. They actually have a fast on that? Oh yes. If you google it, you'll find tons of info and blogs. Basically, you'll see that you have to refrain from sweeteners, alcohol, all meat, all dairy, all processed foods, leavened breads, hard fats, beverages except water, and fried foods.
http://danielfast.wordpress.com/daniel-fast-food-list/
Here's one to check out if you're actually interested. Needless to say, this time I was slightly intrigued.
Due to my age and family history, I've taken much more interest in my health and body of late. Both my parents and both my brothers are now type 2 diabetics. The handwriting on the wall does not look good for me unless I start taking my health seriously. So after my own careful researching, I decided I would try this Daniel fast with James, but not for the sake of Lent, but for the sake of my health. Once I committed, I started getting grouchy and feeling very closed in, and I hadn't even started the dumb thing yet! I've now had about three weeks to change my mind about this decision, and in those three weeks I realized a couple of things.
First, I'm a really horrible self-disciplined person. I'm not a quitter, but I'm also not self-disciplined. This is an area I've felt God wanting to grow me in a lot, and I just keep resisting b/c I don't want to purposefully put myself in a position to fail. You see, I'm a perfectionist (shocking, I know), and perfectionists resist things that they can fail at. I never make goals, resolutions, and variations of the such b/c I never see the point. We're human. We fail at things. So why tell the world what you're going to fail at? Anyhow, I felt (or more accurately, it was the Holy Spirit prompting me to feel) this was a great opportunity to not only work on living more healthfully, but at the same time practice self-discipline. Seriously, just writing both those statements was like fingernails on a chalkboard for me.
Secondly, I realized that if I'm really going to commit to two things I seriously find uncomfortable, why not throw in a spiritual component too and take on trying to understand Lent. Honestly, I know it's all inter-related. I have a Master's degree that tells me that. Frankly, maybe my knowledge on all this has actually been more of a hindrance to me than a help. I know this process will be filled with lots of self-discovery, but honestly, I'm hoping it will be filled with a lot more than that!
So, there it is. Starting today, for the next 40 days, I'm going to explore Lent, health, and self-discipline. Just as a forewarning, you may want to stay away from me for the next month, b/c though I'll try to behave, I'm sure there will be some grouchy moments! I'll try to blog something everyday as time allows to keep an account of how I'm doing and what I'm learning. This is for me. You're welcome to read it. You can even leave comments if you like, but I can't guarantee they won't irritate me. If they do, however, I'll get over it! Probably around the same time I get my first slice of cheese or granita or pasta! Now, I'm off to go find something to eat for breakfast!
"We are surrounded by a great cloud of people whose lives tell us what faith means. So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way, and the sin that so easily holds us back."
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