In a period of fasting, there comes a time when all you do is covet the thing you can't have. And I have to say, when it comes down to it, the only reason that I continue doing this fast, is b/c I'm competitive and don't give up. I mean, I'm being really good and I don't even cheat! Like not even a little! And I ask myself, "if I'm actually doing this, like really succeeding in this, why is it so hard to do it in real life? Why does it take a specific "thing" for me to be disciplined?"
Shouldn't wanting to be healthy and staving off years of bad health, a fortune of money on medicine and doctor bills, and literal pain to my body be enough to make me do the right thing all the time? One would think, but no . . . not me. I have to have a set period of time and rules and boundaries in place, and let the whole world (well my world) know about it so that I can't get off the hook in order to actually do it. What the heck? How humiliating! And then, instead of enjoying the benefits, physical, mental, or spiritual, of this fast, what I really find myself obsessing about is that thing I can't have. I count down the days till I can eat an egg, a burger, a granita, a piece of toast. It's like I'm missing the whole point . . . or am I?
So many people I know say to take the time of Lent to fill yourself up with Jesus, and that's not a bad thing. But that doesn't work for me when there are glaringly obvious obstacles in the way between me and Him. Sin actually needs to be acknowledged and cleaned up.** There is so much about me that I've just chosen not to acknowledge or deal with that I have had no choice but to come face-to-face with during this fast. And it's not anything as obvious as big resolved or unresolved issues from my past. Rather, it's just the daily patterns that I've functioned in for so long and have operated my life around, that now, just are. And frankly, some of it is quite ugly, shameful, and sinful. Perhaps these things are the thorns in my flesh that will daily have to be dealt with in order to keep me humbled and dependent on God and not my foolish self. But would I even have acknowledged them without taking the time to fast? Would I have been able to see my sickness of self if I hadn't figuratively (and in this case literally) abstained from feeding my "self"? Don't worry, I'm not going down the path to the dark side again, like last week, because I fully realize how good of a life I have. But I am learning that there is something to this time of Lent and purging ones self of self and sin in order to truly appreciate and experience and accept the life-giving sacrifice of the Holy God.
And though I comprehend this in my mind, and with the help of rules and boundaries I can achieve it, and though I whole-heartedly want Jesus to take complete control of those things that are so hard to change and let go of, I fear that my heart will stubbornly kick and scream and throw a temper-tantrum into getting what it wants when it's let loose, even though what it so foolishly wants will ultimately destroy it.
** Just as a disclaimer for those who may be freaking out about my theology, I'm not saying that we have to have all our stuff together and perfect and cleaned up before we can come to Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him. I believe nothing of the sort. My references here have more to do with knowing God intimately and having a long relationship with Him, and just choosing to ignore sin. I believe God has a problem with that. And apparently, so do I.
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