Day 46

Well, my journey has come to an end! Today is the last day of Lent, and tomorrow, I get to celebrate my risen Lord! HALLELUJAH!!! It has been a long and good journey. I'm sure there will be parts of what I learned that will be easily forgotten, which is one reason I'm glad I wrote every day, so I can go back and remember. There are other parts that have become part of who I am now, and that's a good thing! I have to be honest, I'm really excited about little things, like being able to eat cottage cheese and chicken, bread and jelly, tea and coffee. However, there's also part of me that's scared that life will go back to what it was before this little experiment, both physically and spiritually. I don't want that!

This has definitely shown me alot about myself, some good, some not, and has made it evident to me that I don't have to live the way so many around me live. It's been a natural kickstart in terms of bettering my health, and now I'm motivated to keep it up. It's been way more difficult spiritually than I was expecting, but that's actually been a huge necessity for me! It's been far too long since I've been challenged in that department! And emotionally, I knew I had it in me, but it's honestly a little annoying to become one of those "goal" people. I don't know why, it just is to me. I've really loved writing every night about the experience, and that part I'll really miss! Perhaps I'll have to keep writing from time to time when the mood strikes me.

The question I keep asking myself is, "will you do Lent again?" The answer is, definitely yes, but not necessarily every single year, because it's expected. I don't like doing the expected. I can very accurately state, however, that I will never do the Daniel Fast for 46 days again!!! A week or so at a time, perhaps, but this was crazy!

So, thank you for being part of this journey with me! Sometimes, even though I didn't know who all was reading this, it was this phantom audience that I knew I would bare my soul to that kept me from caving in or caused me to go on and dig a little deeper within myself. And for that I'm grateful, because when I did dig deeper, I found the One that would grow me, challenge me, and shape me. May that part not stop! I hope you not only enjoyed reading my experiences and thoughts, but perhaps grew in your own faith walk and journey because of something I said or thought or did. If you haven't yet been able to tell, I'm a big advocate in doing this thing called life together and doing it by being real. I guess that's part of how God made me and part of how my parents' shaped me. I'm so grateful for that!

So, as you do whatever it is you're gonna do tomorrow, I pray that you'll have an encounter with the God who loved you so much that He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for you. I pray you'll not only celebrate, but take the time to fully live!

journeying with you,
abby

Day 45

Today is Good Friday. Not entirely sure why they call it that. Nothing really great about a crucifixion in and of itself. Thankfully, one crucifixion in particular was pretty spectacular! Maybe that's why they call it Good.

I had a good day with the family today, then headed over to church for our Good Friday service. We decided to watch Mel Gibson's version of the Passion of the Christ as a church this year for our service. I gotta be honest, I was super excited to watch it again, b/c it's been quite some time since I've seen it. It's just not one of those movies you watch over and over again, but from time to time, it's a good reminder of the brutality that Jesus went through. Apparently though, not all were on the same page of my excitement.

I think most people either had the, "been there, seen that" attitude, or the "it's too graphic" mentality. I know there were other reasons too, but honestly I think most people would rather focus on the resurrection of Christ and not the actual suffering and brutality He went through on our behalf. Irregardless, those that weren't there missed out. Even though nothing about this service went right, technical difficulties up the kazoo, people were late, people didn't show up, and people left because they had other things to do, it was still an incredibly moving time! There's something about watching a movie like "The Passion" in a public setting with the people you worship Christ with on a daily/weekly basis. It makes your being together matter. I don't know, something about the "communion of saints."

As I watched the movie, I was struck by several things. First, I wonder how that guard's life was changed after Peter cut off his ear and then Jesus healed it. Talk about a potential change of mission! His job was to arrest Jesus. Then that same prisoner is healing a major life-altering wound on his captor. It had to have an effect! I look forward to hearing someday what it was.

I was also struck by the relationship between Jesus and his mom this time. Last time I saw the movie, I was a mom, but just barely with Sam. Now I get it a little more. I think people forget how hard it must have been for Jesus watching His mom suffer while watching her son die. Even though Jesus was very sure of who He was and where He came from, Mary was still His mom. That's a sacred thing, the bond between a mother and a child. The emotions and temptations surrounding that had to be horrifyingly painful.

Thirdly, I really understood and experienced the lyrics to the hymn "Were You There?" I had the full on "tremble" going on as I watched this scene unfold again, and I was only watching one person's depiction of it on a screen. Can you imagine actually being there and watching this all take place? I truly believe it would seriously cause me to tremble, tremble, tremble.

Finally, I was vehemently furious with those who were taunting, condemning, jeering, accusing, spitting on, beating, and berating Jesus. I wanted to stand up and defend and protect Him, both verbally and physically. I pray that I would. However, as I was sitting there outraged, the lyrics to one of my favorite songs popped in my head, and I realized, I was one of those in the crowd doing exactly what I hated. Perhaps my name should be Peter . . .

How Deep the Father's Love for Us
How deep the Father's love for us.
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished.
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,
No gifts, no power, no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ!
His death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.


I am so grateful for the sacrifice Christ made for me. Words can never fully express how much. And I'm very very grateful that this year in particular, I really got it! Maybe this is the real merit of Lent. Because not only did I get a night of preparing my heart for the mysterious miracle that we celebrate on Sunday, but I had over a full month of intentional preparation, which has just made it all so very alive and "mission changing" for me! Thank you, thank you Jesus!

Day 44

Tonight, we decided to break our fast with Sabbath a day early. Then Saturday, we're going to do a total fast, except for water, so that come Easter, we'll truly be able to celebrate! It seemed kinda silly and anti-climatic to do this for 40+ days then not even have Easter break the fast. So, tonight, we partook (not even sure it's a word, but it's fun to say!) in Costco's amazing pizza and enjoyed family night the way it should be done!

I'm really looking forward to seeing "Passion of the Christ" tomorrow for our Good Friday service. I haven't seen the movie in years, and I actually want the visual of it this year. It's gonna be powerful, at least for me!

Day 43

Holy lots of music batman! It's AWESOME!! There's just some things in life that I get really excited about, and singing is one of them! There will be lots of singing at our church on Easter Sunday, so if you like to sing, come join us! Or if you like really really great stories, you'll get that too!

I'm really excited about Easter this year! And not just because I get to eat like a normal person again! I definitely feel more prepared for the celebration than I have in years of late, and for that I'm grateful! I'm excited to be with my family of faith and worship Christ the risen king!

Day 42

I wonder when I get to just enjoy me for me. You know, without trying to rediscover myself and change all these things about me. For some reason, even though I was all screwed up and sinful, God thought I was worth it, even with all the garbage and imperfections and annoyances. Dare I say it, the Bible even says He delights in us. So why do we constantly compare, scrutinize, pick at, trash, and berate ourselves? I truly think most people believe that God would like them better if they were more . . . something (go ahead and insert whatever word you want here, be it secular or in christianese). I don't think we'd say that with our heads, but it's how most people act, even ones who know better. Why do we believe that? Who taught us that? Whoever it was, I seriously want to punch them in the face! Somehow, people have come to believe that if they do something a certain way, they'll get something good, or bad, from God. Rather than the truth, which is if we let God in, He'll change us to reflect Himself. He's that good at what He does. It's not complex. But it's very profound. So I'm gonna spend some more time thanking Him for making me just the way I am, and enjoying that person. If you don't like it, take it up with my Creator!

Day 41

I've been looking at this blank screen for 5 minutes now and I still don't have a clue as to what to write about. I was playing the piano tonight and missed my friend Josephine big time. I want her back. I found out tonight that one of our little kiddos on Sam's soccer team has cystic fibrosis, as does his sister, and I am totally blown away, stunned, and sad. I think of people who are going through and living through serious serious issues, and I think, "seriously, people are complaining about the weather?!?!" I know that God's grace is sufficient for all these things, but sometimes it's just hard.

Day 40

Today is day 40!! I think that's all I really signed up for! But alas, I'll stick with it and do the final week! I ran/walked the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure this morning with my sissy-in-law! Fun time catching up with one of my favorite people that I don't see nearly enough of! I then came home, promptly broke my camera (though I swear it wasn't a sabotage attempt!) and then vegged the rest of the day because we needed it! Secretariat- good movie. Tron- stupid movie. I have the post Sabbath stomach churnings with too much food from Sabbath and too many vegetables the day after. Will be glad when that lovely phenomenon comes to a halt! Technically I only have 7 more pounds to drop before I'm out of the pre-diabetic zone!! Though I've never tested high on any diabetic tests, including when I was preggo, I know that weight has a HUGE amount to do with type 2 diabetes, so I'm getting it down to lessen the odds even more! It would be awesome if I could get it down by next Sunday! If not though, I'll keep at it, b/c believe me, 7 pounds is not the end goal for this body! I won't say what is, b/c frankly that's just humiliating, but nevertheless, more will come! So, that's all I have for now. I'm going to bed now. I'm 2 minutes past my goal for bed, but I wanted to make sure I wrote something. Nite nite!

Day 39

Phew!! That was one busy day, but it was so good! Sam had a soccer game, JJ had a soccer game, lunch with my in-laws, James led a graveside service for our friend then made it up to Sam's second game which he coached, then we raced home to get ready for a memorial service at the church, then fellowship time with friends and family afterward, help clean up, race home to change and get kiddos situated (thanks shannon and laura!), then out for a friends' 40th surprise birthday party, home, kids showered, jammied, and in bed (along with a few meltdowns), prep for sermon and prep for Race for the Cure race!! Like I said, Phew!! Every thing we did today, though, was good, and I'd do it all over again too! One of the things I love best about being a human are relationships, even though they're also one of the hardest things about being a human. Today was a relationship day! I get fired up about relationship days. They fill me up so much. It also takes me a long time to come down after a big day like this. I'm sure I'll have something very wise to share once I process all the conversations I had today and all the interactions I had, but for now, I'm just gonna enjoy the end of a day well spent!

Day 38

Woo-Hoo!! TWO MORE DAYS!!! Actually, that's not at all true b/c this little shindig is actually more than 40 days long! But I am in the single digits now! 8 more days till Easter! To be honest though, the whole food thing hasn't even been a struggle for me lately. It's just become a normal, which is a really really good thing! I've lost 23 pounds, and that too is a really really good thing!! Just think how much more I will lose when I actually start exercising again! That, however, means I need to find some time in my days that can be devoted to me when the gym is actually open! That's a little more difficult. I no longer say "it can't happen", however, b/c these last 38 days have proved otherwise!

So, I've really been struck this week with the overall frailty of life, specifically our human bodies. Obviously our friends' death this week puts a notion like this in the forefront of my mind, but it's not the only reason I've been pondering it. I think of how after a major trauma to a body, common things more easily attack that same body. I think about how after only 30 years, your body starts aching and paining in a way that it never has before, as if you're actually getting old. At 30! I think of how we spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on getting well or making ourselves better, when it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. I wonder, would I have had that procedure or operation or test if I had known I'd only reap the benefits of it for _____ number of months or years? My answer is almost always, yes, b/c I'm just a hopeful, live to the fullest type of person.

But I also think, if our bodies are this weak, this fickle, and this temporary, we'd better be darn sure we're not just living for the here and now of where our bodies reside, because that certainly isn't anything to bank on or put stock in! There's no guarantee it will last. In fact, we know it won't. The question then is for how long? Whether I get 7 days or 70 years left on this earth, I had better be sure that I know why I'm here, what my purpose is, and get to actually living it out! Because once we're gone, our job here is done, not necessarily in the "completed" sense, but definitely in the "it's over" sense. When this body is done and gone, I want to be sure that I have done everything I could to bring those God put me in contact with to have had a chance to choose Jesus for themselves. Because the reality is, that when our bodies are done, it's not the end of our story. We'll be dealt with. But no longer will we be able to tell others' our story or ask them if they want to come with us. That part will be over. And though I can't wait for the part that comes next, I really want to be sure that the part I'm supposed to do now is actually getting done, and getting done well! So even though we often think of ourselves as invincible and with seemingly endless amounts of time still, our bodies are still frail things that will only last for so long. Are we giving enough attention and enough opportunities to the stuff that will last forever?

Day 37

Not a profound post tonight, but I said I'd do it every day. Ready for a weekend for our weekend that hasn't even happened yet. But I kinda talked about that last night. Seriously having a getting warm problem. Talked about that alot too. Excited about our Sabbath tomorrow night. Same old same old. Gotta get me some new material here!! Till then . . . !

Day 36

"I'm busy, busy, dreadfully busy, more than a bumblebee, more than an ant!" Thankfully though, not too much to take the moments to help my friend with a shoe on his head up out of a hole!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you obviously haven't had young children in the last 10 or so years, or aren't familiar with VeggieTales! I feel like I'm on cruise control right now. I know I'm not the only one either. I look at James and tell him he has to stop and rest, but know that he really can't without dropping a very important ball. And how is one to choose which one to drop? In some ways, cruise control is okay, b/c you're still making forward progress, but it's also unsettling b/c you aren't really in total control.

I have to wonder, the weeks leading up to Christ's death, was He ever on cruise control? I mean, the guy was a busy dude, and He knew what was coming . . . not really something to look forward to, crucifixion. People like to say that it was easy for Him b/c He was God. He knew the end result, He knew the purpose, He was in control. I think those people forget that Jesus was fully human too, and experienced our emotions. I'm sure He was scared. I'm sure He fully felt pain. I'm sure He felt dread. I'm sure He racked His brain for some other alternative. I'm sure there was a time when He possibly wished He could take a few moments to gather His wits about Him. There may have even been a moment when for the hundredth time the disciples asked Him a silly question, he wondered, "seriously? Are they worth this?"

I believe Jesus was on cruise control, but the difference between Him and often times us, is who we let do the controlling. When He stopped to make sure all systems were go, He didn't just check in with the gauge in front of Him. They were all sleeping or busy betraying Him. Instead, He had some moments alone and checked with the One who wrote the manual. He implored the Creator and Designer of the plan to see if there was any other way to do this thing. And the answer was, "no. This is it. This is the only way it can happen." And so, Jesus tuned back in, checked in with those He loved, and plowed forward with the plan. And I think it's at that point, Jesus may have turned off cruise control. And for me, I think that in order to really understand, as much as I can, what Jesus did on the cross, I have to believe that He, in His own power and will, because He knew it was the only way, decided to carry out the plan to suffer and die on the cross for my sins.

So, on days when my life seems to be on cruise control, I'm okay with that, even if it's unsettling, as long as the the cruise control is operated by the Creator of the plan.

Day 35

I'm really glad that Jesus was an advocate for rest! I'm gonna take Him up on that right now!

Day 34

Death is a very strange thing. Sometimes you're ready for it, and sometimes you're not. Both ways have drawbacks and benefits. Either way though, it's final. Death is never fun to go through, even if you are a Christian. It still hurts. Really bad. Knowing someone is free from the confines of this world and their human bodies of pain and sin, and are in the presence of their Creator, is definitely helpful in the grieving process, but it still is hard to go through.

A dear friend of ours, and a pillar in our church for the last 20+ years, passed away unexpectedly this morning. Josephine was a lady who always had something to say, and you always knew where you stood with her. I loved that quality about her, even if it was hard being on the receiving end, because there were never any guessing games. And man, she could play that piano! I had the privilege of both participating with and leading Josephine on our worship team for the past five years. It wasn't always easy, for her or for me. With the upfront quality she had, sometimes her intentions could be misunderstood, and she had very definite opinions of how she preferred things. Don't we all though?

Through the growing pains of our worship team, Josephine, and her equally important counterpart, Donna, always stayed with us, hard as it was, and pushed through while learning new songs, putting up with increased guitars and drums, and enduring my and other's eager notions to try an old hymn a new way. Josephine taught me a lot, mostly indirectly, and I'm sure I'll continue learning from her even though she's gone. She taught me about the importance of caring for all generations. She taught me the importance of generosity. She taught me the importance of roots and history. She taught me the importance of loving and serving your husband and family. She taught me how to quiet a noisy congregation down with a beautiful song. She taught me that a well placed run on the piano can fit into pretty much any song sung in the church! She taught me how to love a granddaughter well. She taught me that not everyone loves minor keys! She taught me to pay attention to details. She taught me about loyalty. She taught me how to truly love the church as part of my family. For those things, I'll forever be grateful! And as long as I don't forget those things and I incorporate them in my life, Josephine will still be around in my heart!

I truly will miss this dear woman, and I look forward to when we can worship together again in Heaven! I will very much miss singing hymns with her playing alongside Donna behind me. I really pray that Jesus has a piano there for her to play, and as my little friend Ezri told her mommy this morning, "when we get there, we can hear her music again so we can dance!"

Day 33

What a crazy weird day! Nothing earth shattering, just a huge range of emotions in a short 12 hour period! Life would be so much simpler if people weren't involved, but it would also be way more boring! Some people like boring. Not me. I'd much rather take the complex and hard. Anyhow, I'm gonna enjoy my time of sleep tonight! My brain needs a break! Oh, and for the first time in this crazy rhythm of fasting I've been on, my body actually was okay and slightly glad to be back in my veggie routine. WEIRD!!!!!

Day 32

Ohhhhh, too much cheese!!! But it was soooo good!!

I'm sitting here listening to Wynton Marsalis, one of my husbands' heroes, and am just amazed by the sheer God-given talent! I don't know about you, but sometimes I think, "is this it? Is this all I was created to do and be? Or is there something bigger and more in me just waiting to be realized?" I know, I'm a philosopher at heart. But I do seriously wonder. I don't want the fame and prestige that goes with that stuff, and more than anything I want my life to always point people to Christ. However, I also want to be what I was created to be. I know I am already in many ways, but if God put any hint of a Wynton or Billy Graham or Michelangelo in me, then I sure as heck want to discover and develop that!

One thing I'm grateful for in regards to this fast is that I've taken more of an interest in myself. I don't mean that in a selfish, independent woman way either. When you're a wife and a mom, it's very very easy to put every one's needs in front of your own, because that's what you do. It's your job. Even on days you don't feel like it, you do it anyway, because honestly, who else is gonna feed them, wash them, and love them? After many years of this, it becomes routine and someone somewhere says, "remember that time when . . . " and you think "really? I did that? I used to dream that? I had goals?" Then part of you grieves, part of you gets a little frustrated, and then finally (or hopefully) a part of you kicks in and says, "yeah, I did dream that, think that, want that," and then you decide there's no better time to focus on the "that" again, even if just a little bit.

So, though I didn't really know I was going to when I started this whole crazy fast, I have started paying a little more attention to some of the "thats" in my life, and as a result, I'm a little more in touch with me. I am able to talk to my kids about things I've thought, felt, and dreamt that I honestly had forgotten about. And now they know their mom just a little more than they did before. They realize I'm more than just a mom. And that is a really amazing gift, whether there's a Wynton in me or not!

Day 31

Great day of beautiful sunshine, finishing our room, warmer temps, seeing Leslie twice, food provisions, really great kids, incredible husbands, delicious homemade pizza, fun movies, and a dog who was still at home when we got home even though we accidentally left our bedroom window wide open and he tried to go through the screen, again! Every good and perfect gift comes from above!

Day 30

Woo Hoo! A get to change the first number to a 3 today! Now that my projects of home makeover have settled down, I have more time and energy to think and write. I did do alot of thinking while painting my walls and furniture, however. One thing I found interesting is how some people I've encountered over this past month think they know all there is to know about Lent and fasting, and get really irritated and haughty with others who don't practice it or know so little about it (as if the others are lesser Christians). Yet their lives are filled with blatant selfishness, boasting, rudeness, and pride. It's been one of the many interesting little rabbit-trails I've been privy to while on this endeavor.

Which again, brings me back to one of my first posts about how so many of the people I see regularly partaking in and exercising Lent, evidence no real change in their hearts. Which honestly casts a big cloud over the whole discipline! Something I read recently in an article about Lent said, "the real challenge facing the believer is not, therefore, "What shall I give up for Lent?" but rather, "How can I be filled with the Spirit? (1)." (I can't believe I'm actually citing this properly! Way to go Mrs. Spradling for ingraining that into me so well)! Anyways, that thought really stuck with me. To do this thing of Lent and really be changed, it has to be so much more than just an annual exercise that you check off your "to do" list and mark with a gold star. Otherwise it becomes as anticipated as a pelvic exam or a teeth cleaning. Stuff you have to do because you know it's in your best interest, but you look forward to it about as much as poking your eyes with needles! And I'll be honest, much of my attitude towards this whole thing has been about as happy as that! And so, that's why this next little blip has also stuck with me.

"Nevertheless, I was always taught, "If you gave something up for the Lord, tough it out. Don't act like a Pharisee looking for a loophole." Moreover, an emphasis must be placed on performing spiritual works, like attending the Stations of the Cross, attending Mass, making a weekly holy hour before the Blessed Sacrament, taking time for personal prayer and spiritual reading and most especially making a good confession and receiving sacramental absolution. Although the practices may have evolved over the centuries, the focus remains the same: to repent of sin, to renew our faith and to prepare to celebrate joyfully the mysteries of our salvation (2)."

So, may I resolve to tough this thing out for 16 or so more days, and may I not focus on me throughout it, but may my heart and mind truly be filled with the Holy Spirit, and turned towards the things of God and His sacrifice, towards others in their needs, and towards the faith that I hold so dear, not so that I can receive my gold star, but so that I can have a changed and pliable heart that actually looks more like Jesus and less like me.

1) http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2000/marchweb-only/34.0.html

2) http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0527.html

- others I found interesting:
- http://www.churchyear.net/lent.html
- http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2000/marchweb-only/33.0.html

Day 29

Sorry to all who desire something profound on here, but it's really hard to come up with something deep every day for 29 days!!! I've had my mind on other stuff lately. One thing I will note though . . . once you blow it, whatever "it" is, it's really easy to do it again and again! Boo on the weak will of humans, especially this human.

Day 28

I'm almost done . . . with our room, that is! Walls done, furniture done and moved back, so now comes the fun part of redecorating! Looks like my "goal" of being done by Wednesday will actually happen! See, I can be trained! It helps that I have two incredible kids that can entertain themselves ALL DAY LONG and a fantastic playlist on my ipod!

I'm so ready to not be a vegan vegetablearian anymore!! I seriously don't get this lifestyle as an everyday way of life, unless you just have no choice due to health. But there are actual people that exist that choose to eat this way. On purpose. All the time. Without fail. All I can say is THANK YOU JESUS for giving me a desire to appreciate life fully!! Perhaps a bit too fully, which I'm working on, but still . . .! I was craving granola tonight. I know, very Washington and Northwest of me. Alas, I had potatoes, tomatoes, avocado, and brocolli. The best thing about the meal was that James put it together so I just had to pause, insert, chew, and swallow. I'm often full from these crazy meals, just not satisfied. Oh well, I keep pluggin' away. Livestrong.com better have some sort of "calories burned" option for painting and hauling furniture up and down stairs! I'm so sore and I want it to count! But I'll look tomorrow, b/c now, I'm going to bed!

Day 27

ONLY 13 MORE DAYS LEFT!!!! Well, in theory! In actuality, there's 20 days till Easter, so just shy of three weeks left to go! I guess we add more than the original 40 due to Sabbaths. Anyway, time is ticking away!

I painted and ran errands most of today. It feels productive, but also seems like it's never gonna end. Hmmmm, seems like a reoccurring theme in my life! Boys started soccer today, and we're all enjoying spring break! And, I have the best, best friend in the world who is such a picture of God's love to me! And I blew my eating tonight with Costco samples and rotisserie chicken. Dang it!! But I still stayed under calories, which makes it slightly redemptive!

That's my day. I'm happy. I'm tired. I'm getting up early to help another friend, so tootles!

Day 26

Spent today at church, walking to get ready for "the race to end slavery", dealing with a migraine, and getting outdoor furniture outdoors so we could have some space to work in the garage. My spring break endeavor is giving our bedroom a makeover. So, out went all our furniture so I can paint it all black, then while it's in its various stages of drying, I'll be painting our room as well! My goal (ack, did I really just say goal? what is happening to me?) is to be done by Wednesday so that we can play on Thursday, Friday and Saturday! Tonight I got all the furniture primed and the pulls painted a brushed nickle. Tomorrow I tackle painting. This has nothing to do with food or fasting, but I wrote something! Good day, but I'm exhausted. Nite-nite!

Day 25

Today I am grateful for freedom! Physical freedom, emotional freedom, and spiritual freedom. I was sitting in the jail today looking around and thought "these people are no different than so many I see on a regular basis who just haven't been caught. They have families. They have dreams. They have pasts. They have value." And I think, "God loves these people just as much as He loves me, and He wouldn't hesitate to leave me and the other 98 behind to go looking for one of these who is lost." So, do I?

Though we (on the outside) get frustrated with those on the inside with not getting it together and messing up or reoffending again and again and again, how different really are we from them? Like where it really matters. And, I'm not saying those who do crimes ought not to be punished. They should. What I'm talking about though, is the emotional and spiritual shunning that most people I know blatantly live out towards offenders. What if God dealt with us the way we often deal with those in prison? Has one of us ever lied, been tried and judged, and truly never ever lied again? Has one of us ever looked lustfully at another, been caught and maybe even rehabilitated, and then never ever struggled with lust again? Has any of us ever thought more highly of ourselves than we ought, been humbled, and never had a prideful moment again? No? We keep continually sinning even though we know better? Well, then I guess no one should visit us. No one should reach out to us, especially when we've really blown it. No one should ever even think of believing in us, because we've already proven that we can't be trusted and we're screw ups. And people should definitely judge our family and think of them as ignorant for choosing us in the first place. And getting into heaven? We should all just kiss that goodbye because if we screw up as often as we do, then we must not have ever had a "real" encounter or relationship with Jesus.

Do you see how ludicrous this all is? Hopefully you picked up on the sarcasm and realized how outlandish this is, and yet this is exactly how so many, especially in the church, treat prisoners. Most Christians believe in the "saving" grace of Jesus, but not in the day in and day out "living" grace of Jesus. Once they're saved, they move right back into the mold of works and performance and perfection. Don't get me wrong. My God punishes and deals with sin. But He did it once and for all with the death of His Son, Jesus, on the cross so that we wouldn't have to suffer His wrath. Anyone who calls on the name of Jesus will be saved. And anyone who believes in the Lord Jesus Christ will be given freedom. EVEN IF WE KEEP SCREWING UP!!! Sin is sin. It all separates us from God. One isn't more worse than another, spiritually speaking. Otherwise, NONE OF US would ever make it to heaven and spend eternity with Him.

So, all that to say, I'm so very grateful for the freedom I experience in all parts of my life, and I fully acknowledge that freedom comes only from the redeeming work of Christ. And the good news is, He's not done. He has more to save. Some of them are in prison. Some of them are on the streets. Some of them are in the church. And He will leave the 99 sheep every single time to go find the one that is lost. So again I ask, will I? The only thing I can do here on earth that I can't do in heaven is tell hurting people about Jesus.

Day 24

I had a WONDERFUL time with great friends tonight as we started our Sabbath! The company alone would have been enough, but throwing good food and a walk on top of it was a real treat!

Over the last week, I've really been thinking about the notion of contentment, and whether or not I have it. I like to think I do, but I honestly have come to terms with the fact that I'm more often than not only content in my everyday life, when things are going my way. That doesn't sound like contentment, that sounds like spoiled! I know very well though that I'm not alone in this notion, because, well, look around! This is such a prevalent theme in the culture I live in today, especially here in America, that it has become the norm. Though it's the norm, I truly don't want it to be in my life. The problem is, when I am in my "routine" it's really hard not to fall back into that same pattern of wanting what I want when I want it. I don't know why, but this week, I've struggled with this. Maybe because I've really wanted something I couldn't have (even more this week than the past two), and it made me really angry because I couldn't have it. I know, another lovely little gem that makes up Abby! I guess this is why I love getting outside my "routine" with things like mission trips.

There is no room for MY normal in something like a mission trip. There's no room for my selfishness, my demands, my routine, my schedule, my attitude, or my will when I'm intentionally focusing on serving others. And I realize "serving others" can be done here at home, but does it? I believe it's incredibly hard to give of yourself fully to other people (especially those not related to you) when you are in your comfort zone, or when you know the safety of your comfort zone is within reach or nearby. And the great tragedy of it all, is that not only do you live a life wishy-washy and uncontent, but you become so focused on trying to make yourself content that you miss out on the joy of the souls and the "one anothers" around you (**). And so, I want to explore how I can more intentionally live my life daily, here in my norm, with the same intentionality that I live it while on a mission trip. I want that Abby to be my new norm, so that no matter what goes on circumstantially in my life, I will be content.

** http://www.cerrogordocob.com/sermons/One_Another.pdf

Day 23

So, I'm kinda tired of talking about me everyday, so I'm gonna ask about you! What are some of the things that are hard for you to let control of? Do you find it easy or hard to be a self-disciplined person? Have you ever tried a fast or Lent before? I'm not asking these to get dirt on you, I'm just genuinely curious! What helped you? What was hard? If you haven't, what's stopping you?

I'm seriously curious about how different people respond to the same, or at least similar, circumstances. All of you know James and I are doing this fast together. He doesn't cheat. He's not even tempted to. It irritates the heck out of me! He's content eating 6+ pieces of fruit a day (GAG!!!!) as well as things that don't even look appetizing. I really don't think this is a struggle for him. What he struggles with, I'm not even tempted by nor do I miss. (and just in case you're wondering what that is, you'll have to ask him. this blog's about me, not my hubby's dirt)! He not only eats perfectly, he can exercise while he does it. Everyone asks me if I enjoy all the energy I have on my "vegan" diet. And I'm still wondering, "what energy?" Besides my stomach hurting horribly every few days and my cravings for things I can't have, I have noticed nothing in my physical health or appearance on this diet. In fact, I've actually been more uncomfortable. I'm freezing all the time, and my joints hurt like crazy! Apparently the same favor God had on Daniel is not on me with this juncture. That's okay, really!. I'm just curious. I know God has His purposes, and I truly believe what I will notice at the end of all this won't necessarily be a physical change, but an emotional and spiritual one. I just pray that it's lasting.

Tomorrow I get to prepare for Sabbath! And we have some fun plans for the weekend, including a date night and a wedding! What better way to celebrate a Sabbath than with a wedding?! Because of how much I've wanted to quit this whole thing this week, I think I'm even more excited to celebrate the freedom I have in Christ! I have more thoughts, particularly on contentment, but I'm gonna save them for tomorrow b/c I'm sleepy, and I wanna make sure I have something to talk about tomorrow night! May the Lord bless you and keep you! May the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and give you peace! Goodnight!

Day 22

Today I'm gonna let someone else write for me. I follow a psuedo-blog of an incredible Christian leader, Ruth Haley Barton, and today's really spoke to me. Much of what she writes on here resonated with much of what I've been thinking about Lent. If you get a chance, read it!

http://www.thetransformingcenter.org/blog/ereflections/the-wilderness-within/

Day 21

Nothing new to say tonight. Sorry!

Day 20

Halfway there! Though in all honesty, I want to quit tomorrow. Note to anyone reading this- in no world does lentil "spaghetti sauce" and rice spaghetti noodles taste good! It was a good idea in theory, but epic fail! James appeared to have liked it, but then again, I imagine anything warm tastes good after only eating fruit the entire day. There's a reason why beans and rice are a staple in the world's diet. They actually never really fail to deliver. Anyway, aside from food, today was fine. It's literally easier to not eat anything than try to come up with tastey and nutritious meals on this fast. I know there's all sorts of recipes out there, but the guidelines we decided to go with, almost all of those recipes are nixed. So, I ended my day with a bag of salt/lime popcorn, and I pray tomorrow will be better. The end.

Day 19

Well, hmmmmmmmmmm. I really don't want to admit this, but I will. I completely and purposefully broke my fast today. And you want to know the reason why? I made too many amazing enchiladas yesterday that I wanted to eat them again today. So, though I haven't cheated even a little prior to this, I cheated in a major big way today! And since I broke it with enchiladas, why not add samoas (darn girl scouts)and chicken strips to the mix too! If you know me, you know that I have a bit of a bad girl in me. I challenge people and systems, I push envelopes, and I don't like doing things because it's expected. I figured this was coming at some point, and chicken and cheese enchiladas seemed as good a reason as any! See why I hate setting up goals? Now I get to deal with guilt and shame and all those lame emotions just because I told everyone I wasn't gonna eat certain foods. But, at least I don't lie! That's good! So off to bed I'll go, halfway wishing I hadn't done it, but also feeling a little satisfied b/c they were really good and now I don't have to look at them and be tempted the rest of the week. I'll start over again tomorrow. It seems slightly superficial and trite, but comparatively speaking, I can understand why addicts fall back into their addictions. Sometimes you just want to go back to what you know. Does it make it right? No. Does it make it sinful? Not necessarily in and of itself. Do I allow the same grace that God extends to me when I flub up a simple fast to others I know who struggle with much more significant things? I pray daily that the answer to that is yes! Hopefully none of you out there were taking bets on me! If so, you should have known better!! (-;

Day 18

It's the end of Sabbath and my stomach isn't killing me!!! Yea!! Much improved from last weeks binge! I really don't have anything new to say today, but I was contemplating on the notion of "rest" today, so I'll share a bit of my thoughts. I actually feel rested, and it's been a long time since that's been the case. One would think I wouldn't as I have 3 extra kiddos in my care this weekend, one of which is a busy one year old, but still, I feel rested. I deliberately chose to not busy myself today with information, people, and stuff. Instead, I chose to sleep in and snuggle. I chose to work alongside my God given partner and best friend in mundane things, which "glory be", turned out not to be mundane with him. I took my time with conversations and little people. I listened to well-performed music. I chose to take a leisurely walk with my brood (cause when there's 7 of you and a canine, you're a brood). I beamed when my little Makena played her piano songs over and over again just for the sheer love of it. I dug deep and began playing songs I haven't touched in years on the piano, again for the same reason. I marveled at kids' resiliency, and I wondered at personality differences that always seem to make it work. I enjoyed food and drink, both partaking in and preparing. I remembered how much fun it is to feed babies and thanked God for the little mouth I was feeding. Basically, I let myself be filled up with things and people that mattered in the long run rather than trying to rush and perform and obligate. As a result, I feel rejuvenated and rested instead of drained and tired, and I actually look forward to corporate worship instead of wishing I could just stay in bed and sleep. Thank you God for resting, and for creating us to need that same rest!

Day 17

Sabbath. This is one practice we've gladly incorporated into our family's life for the past 2 years! It's been intentional and necessary for the break-neck speed we often find ourselves operating in. And it is so good for us! During this time of Lent, it has taken on a celebratory note as well, and not just because we choose to eat whatever, but because we actually stop to think about the sacrifice God made with His Son. We stop to think about what He was going through a few weeks before His death, knowing what was going to come. We think about how He could have stopped what was coming at any point, yet didn't. We think about how He must have felt as a human, and we imagine what He must have felt as God. And we're so very grateful! And that is why we celebrate, and remember, and rest, and worship, and eat good food!

Day 16

In a period of fasting, there comes a time when all you do is covet the thing you can't have. And I have to say, when it comes down to it, the only reason that I continue doing this fast, is b/c I'm competitive and don't give up. I mean, I'm being really good and I don't even cheat! Like not even a little! And I ask myself, "if I'm actually doing this, like really succeeding in this, why is it so hard to do it in real life? Why does it take a specific "thing" for me to be disciplined?"

Shouldn't wanting to be healthy and staving off years of bad health, a fortune of money on medicine and doctor bills, and literal pain to my body be enough to make me do the right thing all the time? One would think, but no . . . not me. I have to have a set period of time and rules and boundaries in place, and let the whole world (well my world) know about it so that I can't get off the hook in order to actually do it. What the heck? How humiliating! And then, instead of enjoying the benefits, physical, mental, or spiritual, of this fast, what I really find myself obsessing about is that thing I can't have. I count down the days till I can eat an egg, a burger, a granita, a piece of toast. It's like I'm missing the whole point . . . or am I?

So many people I know say to take the time of Lent to fill yourself up with Jesus, and that's not a bad thing. But that doesn't work for me when there are glaringly obvious obstacles in the way between me and Him. Sin actually needs to be acknowledged and cleaned up.** There is so much about me that I've just chosen not to acknowledge or deal with that I have had no choice but to come face-to-face with during this fast. And it's not anything as obvious as big resolved or unresolved issues from my past. Rather, it's just the daily patterns that I've functioned in for so long and have operated my life around, that now, just are. And frankly, some of it is quite ugly, shameful, and sinful. Perhaps these things are the thorns in my flesh that will daily have to be dealt with in order to keep me humbled and dependent on God and not my foolish self. But would I even have acknowledged them without taking the time to fast? Would I have been able to see my sickness of self if I hadn't figuratively (and in this case literally) abstained from feeding my "self"? Don't worry, I'm not going down the path to the dark side again, like last week, because I fully realize how good of a life I have. But I am learning that there is something to this time of Lent and purging ones self of self and sin in order to truly appreciate and experience and accept the life-giving sacrifice of the Holy God.

And though I comprehend this in my mind, and with the help of rules and boundaries I can achieve it, and though I whole-heartedly want Jesus to take complete control of those things that are so hard to change and let go of, I fear that my heart will stubbornly kick and scream and throw a temper-tantrum into getting what it wants when it's let loose, even though what it so foolishly wants will ultimately destroy it.



** Just as a disclaimer for those who may be freaking out about my theology, I'm not saying that we have to have all our stuff together and perfect and cleaned up before we can come to Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him. I believe nothing of the sort. My references here have more to do with knowing God intimately and having a long relationship with Him, and just choosing to ignore sin. I believe God has a problem with that. And apparently, so do I.

Day 15

Well, it's 11:00 it's been a long day and there's nothing new to say! James told me to write that sentence so I could actually go to bed with him. Don't have to tell me twice! Talk to you tomorrow . . .

Day 14

It's the end of two weeks today!!! And I gotta be honest, I'm sick of beans and fruit!! Potatoes are still on my good list, as is brown rice. I did discover that you can effectively eat well at Moon's Mongolian Grill while on the Daniel Fast tonight! That was a treat! I really wish I had something profound to say today, but I don't. I did tell James that I'm never doing this particular fast for the entirety of Lent again. It's just too long, and it's just too strict! It has forced me, however, to really know and care about what goes in certain foods and how foods are prepared. Oh, and today I discovered hummus. I know, it's been around forever and others partake in it regularly. I'm a little slow in joining the movement. Good stuff! I love how God is willing to meet us where we are without waiting for us to get all our stuff together before having a relationship. I understand also why most people don't blog every day. It gets really cumbersome trying to figure out things to say on a daily basis. Sometimes it's easy, but sometimes not. When you write, you've been taught to write about something worth hearing and to write clearly and concisely, not randomly and fragmented. Sometimes in life, things happen that aren't exactly noteworthy though, and sometimes I'm not particularly clear or concise. Today is one of those days. But still I'll write, b/c I don't quit, and occasionally, greatness comes from a big mess of random and fragments! My hubby just told me goodnight and headed up the stairs, so I'm signing off for tonight.

Day 13

I'm still trying to figure out a way to satisfy the very rare craving I get for sweets without eating fruit and without eating sugar or sugar substitutes. Fruits, b/c I'm bored with them, and sugar and its substitutes, b/c of Lent. Anyhow, I'm having a hard time resisting the girl scout cookies and the ghiradelli brownies that are sitting on the counter tonight. I figure if I throw it out there, I'll be held more accountable . . . at least in theory!

Day 12

I had an incredible time of worship today, and not just at church! I got to sing some amazing songs this morning. I heard a powerful message on the widow's mite (by a very handsome man!). I had the privilege of going to a bridal shower for someone who has waited a long time to find the right man for her. I escorted my 93 year old bike riding and dancing friend, Miss Irene, home after the shower where I got to see her beautiful geraniums on the sun porch in the middle of March in Spokane. I briefly saw one of our family's little miracles, my nephew Cai, for a few minutes while talking to his momma and daddy. I had the opportunity to pray for three dear friends who are struggling with cancer, as well as my dad who is still struggling with his health. I was able to write a reference for a dear friend who is following God's leading in providing a stable home for her abandoned niece. I ate brown rice and raisins, which were surprisingly good together. I actually got to not only see but talk eyeball to eyeball with my husband today for more than 10 minutes. I educated myself more about human trafficking with others from our church, and am asking God how He wants me involved. I drove, along with my family, an emotionally wounded kid home who's trying to figure out his place in this world. I enjoyed a conversation with my boys about heaven and souls and new bodies. I was warmly greeted by my incredible boxer-bulldog, Charlie, and praised him for carrying his 2 foot bone around and not one of the boys' stuffed animals. I was able to witness the healing power God gave our bodies as I tended to the finger my hubby deeply sliced yesterday. And now I get to recall it all in my warm house and comfy sweats, state my gratitude on my fancy laptop, and go to bed thanking God for the life He gave me. Worship is so much more than songs on a Sunday morning! It's a way of life! God, may I always take the time to worship you in my thoughts, actions, words, and attitude no matter what situation I find myself in!

Day 11

Reading the boys their Bible tonight, we were learning about how Ezra and Nehemiah built the walls back around Jerusalem and kept the people focused on God. When the wall was finally completed, Ezra gets out the Law of Moses to read to the people who were gathered together. These are the people of Judah who had been in exile in Babylon because of their sin. They had finally returned "home", and Ezra and Nehemiah say this:

"'This day is sacred to the Lord your God. Do not mourn or weep.' For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.'"

Sam says, "Mom, now I'm confused. Now it seems like there's two reasons why we do Sabbath. The first one is when God rested after making the world. The second one is because we're supposed to celebrate and not be sad, because God saved us like the people who were sad for so long." This seems to indeed be what God is saying, and I appreciate that God not only wants us to rest b/c He created us to need it, but He also wants us to celebrate and remember who He is and what He's done! I'm so thankful that I don't serve a God that wants us to whip ourselves in our sin and shame at every possible turn, but wants to lift our heads when we repent and tell us "remember who I am and let My joy be your strength!" May I have child-like understanding like my son as a finish my day of Sabbath, and may I always remember who God is and what He's done for me!

Day 10

DOUBLE DIGITS!! Finally! Now, I only have to multiply this by 4 and I'll be done! Seriously, this blogging every day is getting a little much! I have profound moments, but they don't usually happen daily! But I committed, so whoever reads this has to endure whatever comes out! I'm not gonna write a lot, b/c it's bedtime and I'm sitting by myself in the living room while everyone else is in bed. Technically, it's 22 minutes into Day 11, but oh well . . .

Today wasn't the best of days for me. In fact, it was quite horrible. Basically I was in a bad mood all day and I couldn't get out of my head. There are all sorts of contributing factors to this mood, but I'll only touch on some of what identifies with this here blog. (and seriously, why is it called a blog?) I have decided that too much self-reflection is not a good thing. I think this is one reason really "normal" and/or Godly people go crazy . . . literally! I think if one focuses so much on what they are or aren't doing right or wrong, even if they're getting input from outside sources (spouses, God, Bible, family, etc.) then they become tunnel visioned and can't get outside of themselves. Even the people who seemingly are filling themselves totally up with God are often doing it because they're trying to rid themselves of the sin and guilt and "self" that plagues them. Then what often (not always, but often) happens, is they're not actually dealing with the problem of that sin and guilt and "self" and just covering it up with God. STUPID! God doesn't want to be a band-aid. He wants to heal us. God doesn't want to give us a pat on the back. He wants to free us. And God doesn't want us to be programmed robotic carbon-copies of Him. He wants us, in all our quirky and weirdly wired ways, to reflect Him. Does that mean we need to self-reflect? Absolutely, b/c we are messed up and sinful, and that needs to be dealt with. Regularly. But are we supposed to do it to the point that we irritate everyone around us, aren't enjoyable to be around, are rendered useless b/c we have no confidence, and in trying to rid ourselves of self we actually become more full of ourselves? Nope. Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else, but God made sense of it today for me. So, for the next few days, I'll continue to write about my journey, but it may have a little less self-reflection, because frankly, I need a break, and I need to enjoy the wonderful life and people that I've been given!

Nite nite . . . !

Day 9

So several people have asked about the name of my blog, "rediscovering me." A while back, I was going through a LOT of transitions, and wasn't having an easy time with it. So me, being me, decided to process it all out by writing. Except I never did it, at least publicly, b/c frankly, somethings get to be private! Anyhow, I decided at the time that it didn't need to go on my family blog, so I'd start a personal blog. Hence the name. It has nothing to do with Lent or this fast, but just a name I came up with as a way to get back in touch with the girl I used to know so well and over the years has become secondary to many different things. Just in case anyone else was wondering . . .

"Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me.
Christ inside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger.
Christ in heart of all that love me
Christ in every friend and stranger."

St. Patrick

Contrary to popular belief, today really isn't about leprechauns, corned beef, or the color green, though all those things are fun! It's about a man who's life was sold out to Christ. If I really lived the words of St. Patrick out, how would my life be different? How would it be the same? Would I have such a problem focusing 40 days on something other than me? Would it compel me to go serve those who have taken me captive? Would I still struggle as much as I do now with essentially the same things? Would I fall into a legalistic trap of feeling like a failure, or would I be able to experience the fullness of God's grace? More things for me to ponder and put into practice!

Day 8

So again, don't have much time to blog tonight as I was at church late and have to prep for co-op tomorrow, but it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more time to write my thoughts. I have had interesting discussion, however, on what Lent is with people though. I've shared other links in past days, but this here's one that's also been interesting for me, especially in the historical department of learning more. Good old wikipedia! Obviously it's not the "be all, end all" of the history of Lent, but it's a good starting point for more research! Oh, and almond butter ROCKS!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent

Day 7

A full seven days! Yea! Today is going to be short and not really profound. I'm getting a cold and need to get to bed. Eating was a challenge today. Really wanted something comforting to eat due to the not feeling well. I ate red potatoes, a veggie patty, and half an avocado instead. The good news is I've lost 12 pounds on this here fast. I doubt it will keep coming off at that fast of a rate, but it does feel good to have results even if they're not really noticeable! I also can tell God's doing something in me too, and that feels good as well. Much too tired to go into it now though. Perhaps tomorrow will find me in a more chatty mood! Till then . . .

Day 6

Nothing terribly exciting happening today, so probably not too much to say here. This is seemingly getting easier and is becoming more of the "norm" for me, which I suppose is good. However, I'm curious as to how quickly I'll go back to my old ways of eating as soon as this fast is over. That's one reason I'm glad I get the Sabbaths off, b/c it makes it more realistic. In terms of emotional stuff, I'm reading "The High Cost of High Control" by Dr. Tim Kimmell. A must read for anyone who's alive. I actually bought it as a parenting book, but it isn't exclusively. It applies to all areas of life, and offers a very good and clear perspective on strong personalities. Anyhow, reading this continues to make me aware of some of the dangers of my personality and how to avoid letting it take over me and bleed onto others in a toxic way.

Spiritually, I can tell Satan is trying to bring me to a helpless state with all the news about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the death of a baby of people I know, a friend my age having breast cancer and a double mastectomy, my dad having some undiagnosed health problems still 3 months after a fall where he broke 5 ribs and seriously damaged his lungs, and on and on and on. Thankfully I'm very aware of God right now, and I know He's bigger than all these things, so I'm not sinking into a depression of sorts, but Satan sure does love to try. It's amazing to me though how with just a slight lack of focus on God, I can easily get trapped in Satan's snares. But, when you're actively participating in something with God, it really clarifies your focus. Again, maybe there is more to this Lent thing than I first thought. However, I don't really want it to be just a 40 day deal and then go back to life as usual. I'd rather it be a lifestyle (novel concept, I know). I still haven't come to terms with Lent as a whole. Yes, good things are coming out of it for me, but frankly, if I were to do this everyday of my life, there would be similar results. I don't get the purpose of doing things like this just for a "season" as if being intentional with God should be optional or seasonal. But maybe I'm misinterpreting the purpose of Lent.

Apparently for some, Lent is as important or equal to in stature as Advent. It's a time of preparation- Advent is prepping for Christ's birth and Lent is prepping for His death and resurrection. So if that's the case, why don't we sing songs at church about that for the 4 weeks or so before hand, like we do Advent songs before Christmas? Why don't we do something like a Lent calendar to remind us specifically of the cross? I know people have verse readings, but honestly, the ones I've used or seen seem pretty out of context and ineffective. It seems like many people use Lent to promote something rather than reflect on Someone. And I still don't get the "giving up" aspect to Lent. We don't do that in Advent. I'm not saying I'm opposed to it (obviously, b/c look at what I'm doing here), but I just don't get it. Why not have the time of Lent be more like Advent where it's more "preparation" in nature, and then during the summer months or between the two holidays where it kinda feels like a desert time in life, throw in the time of fasting and wilderness and giving things up? Can you tell I'm a natural organizer? I'm sure I would have been excommunicated from the early church who planned all this out b/c I ask too many questions. Anyways, I'm trying to figure all this out in my little brain, but more, figure it all out for my little brain, so that when this 40 days is over, I'll have a clear plan as to how I want to implement parts of this in my own life on a regular basis because it is life-changing, irregardless of what a church calendar says.

So, apparently when I don't have a lot to say, I still say a lot. Thanks for listening to me ramble with myself!

Day 5

Crap- I'm officially an emotional-stress eater. I've always known this, but it was confirmed today. Without going into all the irritating details, church this morning was less than an awesome experience for me (to be clear, I wasn't actually in the worship service but led children's church). In the chaos that ensued, I found myself herding cats by the refreshment table while mayhem reigned, when suddenly out went the hand, grabbed was the cookie, and straight in my mouth in one fell swoop. I honestly didn't even know I did it till 5 minutes later when I was talking to James about coordinating the kids and cars and all the things we coordinate in the span of 30 seconds between conversations when all of a sudden it hit me that "i ate a freakin' chocolate chip cookie, and i didn't even realize it!" Man oh man. Honestly, I could care less about the cookie because God's grace is sufficient and I needed the extra calories today (I'm still 600 under for the day as I type), but the fact that I didn't even realize what I was doing or remember that I was on this fast really frustrates me! Am I really that weak and numb and forgetful when I'm stressed out or have more than one thing really pressing on my mind? Or was it the high range and intensity of emotions running in me that triggered my eating tirade? Well, maybe not a tirade, but you know what I'm saying! God made it very evident to me today that I have some coping skills to work on and probably haven't even invited Him into. Yea, more personal growth (said in monotone voice with sarcastic flare). And putting my counselor hat on, I'm pretty sure it had to do with the amount of jumbled emotions I was feeling and not the actual chaos of too much going on, b/c frankly, I'm a pretty outstanding juggler!

On a different note, besides that little episode of my human condition, it's been a decent day. The sun actually shone, I wasn't horribly hungry, and after venting to my husband upwards of an hour, I was in a pretty great space! I even made a really good homemade veggie soup that was within the parameters of the fast to be enjoyed later in the evening for dinner (it's no chocolate chip cookie, but it was tasty!). I particularly enjoyed getting to think and pray and strategize with other people in our church tonight about how we personally can get involved with trying to abolish human trafficking in our town. That's the kind of stuff that excites me. And when I sit and ask God to help me see with His eyes how to get involved and help, and I ask Him to give me understanding and knowledge on the subject, I can honestly say there's so many things bigger than a cookie!

"Once I was bound by sin's galling fetters,
Chained like a slave, I struggled in vain;
But I received a glorious freedom,
When Jesus broke my fetters in twain.

Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.

Freedom from all the carnal affections,
Freedom from envy, hatred and strife;
Freedom from vain and worldly ambitions,
Freedom from all that saddened my life.

Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.

Freedom from pride and all sinful follies,
Freedom from love and glitter of gold;
Freedom from evil temper and anger,
Glorious freedom, rapture untold.

Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine.

Freedom from fear with all of its torments,
Freedom from care with all of its pain;
Freedom in Christ, my blessed Redeemer,
He who has rent my fetters in twain.

Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,
No more in chains of sin I repine!
Jesus, the glorious Emancipator,
Now and forever He shall be mine."

-Haldor Lillenas-

Day 4

Physically, today was a breeze, due to Sabbath. Emotionally, much easier as well because I was in more of a celebratory mode, due to Sabbath and eating! I was struck though with how much I thought about other things today than all this Lent/fast/self-discipline stuff, and consequently, how my thoughts weren't quite as focused on Christ. He was still very much present in my mind, but other things definitely vied for attention as well and got more today than they had in a few. Interesting to me that when I'm consciously denying myself, I'm focusing more on Christ. When I'm celebrating Christ, I tend to get lazy in my focus. Perhaps my celebrations need to look differently or be more intentional. Perhaps today was just an unusual or off day because I was playing catch up in other areas. Perhaps there are times to focus on other things. Still learning and processing it all. One thing I do know though . . . whether in fast or feast, I really love being with Jesus!

Day 3

Today was easier in a sense b/c I knew tonight we started our Sabbath, which meant real food was coming! And I wasn't in withdrawal mode. I fear though that what I went through the last two days will happen again once Sabbath is over. So though it was mentally easier to keep on keeping on, it was hard because I was emotionally low and crabby. Never a great thing to be when you live with other people. Fortunately those people love me despite myself.

We had dinner with wonderful friends tonight at a wonderful restaurant "The Flying Goat." They make amazing gourmet pizzas. I have to admit, I was pretty tentative putting the first few bites in my mouth. It's just weird when you've told yourself "no" for a few days. The statement is true, "you can't really feast until you have fasted!" Man, pizza has never tasted so good! And yet, it's just food. Do I live my life in such a way that when the real feast of seeing Jesus face to face happens, the fasting here on earth will be worth it? Or does my life even look like a fast? Do I even make room for or notice times of sacrifices, extreme hunger, and longing? Do I try my hardest to avoid those times? When they are there, do I quickly try to fill them up with pleasures and feasts that aren't life-giving or sustaining instead of recognizing them as a time to hand over the controls? These are things I think about. I want to say that I leave room for God to stretch, grow and mold me into His creation and for His purposes, but truthfully I'm learning that I'm really just hoping that He's on board with my desires. The feast is amazing and worth a really high price. I need to make sure I don't take it for granted!

Day 2

Oi vay . . . this is not easy! Headaches for two days straight and my stomach is all messed up! Too bad we can't get close to Jesus with just our mind, right?! But no, He requires ALL of us-- mind, soul, and body. I'm glad He does though, even if it literally hurts! So thoughts on day one and day two:

- I really like meat
- People either have no interest or great interest in Lent
- Those with great interest have made for good conversations. Gives me something to think on other than all the growling of my tummy.
- Jesus likens fasting to mourning in Matthew 9. Never made that connection before.
- I really like cheese
- I do way better in handling emotional pain than physical pain
- One person's interpretation of the purpose of Lent is "self-examination and penitence, demonstrated by self-denial, in preparation for Easter,*" while anothers' is "return to God with all our hearts.**"
- Avocados and black beans are God's gift to me
- A friend of mine encouraged me by describing Lent as "giving up the things in which we find joy so that our joy can be found solely in Christ."
- I find a lot of joy in food
- I'm a lot colder when I have a restricted diet
- Lent has been around for a LONG time, but very few practice it *
- I really like pizza
- Costco is a very bad place to be when you are hungry
- Edamame is fun to eat
- I better lose a bunch of weight this month

It would be really convenient to pick and choose the parts I want to give to God. Then I could give Him the parts that are really screwed up or really pretty. Because honestly, who doesn't want to be fixed or praised? But all those "common" or seemingly "non-essential" parts of me . . . you know the boring and non-sensational stuff . . . those are the things that make me comfortable and, well, me--I know He wants those things too, and I like to say I give Him those things daily, but do I? Really? Do I really want to give up my "Thursday night family ritual of Costco pizza after gymnastics" for four weeks for the sake of self-examination and penitence? Do I really want to pass on the "apple turnovers my dear co-op friend brought to share with the Spanish class" for the sake of returning to God with all my heart? Do I really want to spend every spare moment of my next 40+ days talking/thinking/arguing with myself or others about ALL THIS? Really?

I'm a smart person. I can think of a million other ways I can self-reflect and return to God, and frankly, they'd be awesome! I could probably even sell them to churches as amazing experiential programs. But, would they cost me anything? Would they challenge me where it counts the most--- where it's comfortable and mundane? Maybe that's where this Lent thing has merit, because maybe it's in the ordinary things that we take for granted (like what we put in our mouths or where we spend our time or what we think about) that God really wants us to give Him. Recently I heard a speaker say, "people are excellent at understanding God's saving grace, but after we're saved, we go right back into functioning in our works based mentality." How true is that? We usually only want God when we're desperate or we're sensational. But then we don't invite Him or His grace in to the rest of our lives because we somehow think we can or should do it on our own. As a result, our lives (mind, soul, and body), the boring things, become totally about us and really not at all about Him. One last thought- don't embark on a journey like this if you're not willing to see the truth about who you are. Till tomorrow . . .


* http://www.christianitytoday.com/ch/news/2004/lent.html
** http://www.thetransformingcenter.org/blog/ereflections/the-fast-god-chooses-an-invitation-to-lent/

Lent- Day 1

Today is the first day of Lent- March 9, 2011. I'll be honest, I've never really understood the point of Lent. It seems rigid, formal, and legalistic. I know what Christ did for me, and I'm thankful. I didn't feel like I needed to take on the role of a temporary martyr by denying things like sugar, media, and caffeine just to feel closer to Christ. I didn't mind if other people did those things, and I didn't mind if people refrained, like me. I guess it pretty much took up non-issue residence in my mind.

I know many people who do practice Lent annually. Many have grown up practicing Lent in their families and faith backgrounds. Some have taken it up as they've matured. I can honestly say, I really don't see an outward difference in those that do and those who don't practice Lent. So, why do people do it? What's really the purpose? Is it enough just to do it out of duty and tradition, or is there something more behind it? If doing it regularly doesn't actually change you, why do it?

If you know me at all, you know that I don't do anything without asking "why". And so, this is my feeble attempt of asking God "why Lent? What exactly is it? Does it really matter to You? Is this a discipline that is truly important, or have we humans turned something You did into something You never intended us to do? Am I less or more of a Christ-follower if I do this?" These are questions I have. They're questions I've had a for a long time, and frankly have just been too lazy to take the time to ask them.

So, in an attempt to ask these questions well, I'm going to practice Lent this year. My husband has done it a time or two, and honestly, I've chalked his past experiences up to being a "band-wagon jumper" and an homage to his one-year of attending a Catholic College. When he told me he was going to do it again this year, I once again started going down the "seriously?" path. He told me this year he wanted to incorporate the Daniel Fast during Lent, except take Sabbaths off from the fast. They actually have a fast on that? Oh yes. If you google it, you'll find tons of info and blogs. Basically, you'll see that you have to refrain from sweeteners, alcohol, all meat, all dairy, all processed foods, leavened breads, hard fats, beverages except water, and fried foods.
http://danielfast.wordpress.com/daniel-fast-food-list/
Here's one to check out if you're actually interested. Needless to say, this time I was slightly intrigued.

Due to my age and family history, I've taken much more interest in my health and body of late. Both my parents and both my brothers are now type 2 diabetics. The handwriting on the wall does not look good for me unless I start taking my health seriously. So after my own careful researching, I decided I would try this Daniel fast with James, but not for the sake of Lent, but for the sake of my health. Once I committed, I started getting grouchy and feeling very closed in, and I hadn't even started the dumb thing yet! I've now had about three weeks to change my mind about this decision, and in those three weeks I realized a couple of things.

First, I'm a really horrible self-disciplined person. I'm not a quitter, but I'm also not self-disciplined. This is an area I've felt God wanting to grow me in a lot, and I just keep resisting b/c I don't want to purposefully put myself in a position to fail. You see, I'm a perfectionist (shocking, I know), and perfectionists resist things that they can fail at. I never make goals, resolutions, and variations of the such b/c I never see the point. We're human. We fail at things. So why tell the world what you're going to fail at? Anyhow, I felt (or more accurately, it was the Holy Spirit prompting me to feel) this was a great opportunity to not only work on living more healthfully, but at the same time practice self-discipline. Seriously, just writing both those statements was like fingernails on a chalkboard for me.

Secondly, I realized that if I'm really going to commit to two things I seriously find uncomfortable, why not throw in a spiritual component too and take on trying to understand Lent. Honestly, I know it's all inter-related. I have a Master's degree that tells me that. Frankly, maybe my knowledge on all this has actually been more of a hindrance to me than a help. I know this process will be filled with lots of self-discovery, but honestly, I'm hoping it will be filled with a lot more than that!

So, there it is. Starting today, for the next 40 days, I'm going to explore Lent, health, and self-discipline. Just as a forewarning, you may want to stay away from me for the next month, b/c though I'll try to behave, I'm sure there will be some grouchy moments! I'll try to blog something everyday as time allows to keep an account of how I'm doing and what I'm learning. This is for me. You're welcome to read it. You can even leave comments if you like, but I can't guarantee they won't irritate me. If they do, however, I'll get over it! Probably around the same time I get my first slice of cheese or granita or pasta! Now, I'm off to go find something to eat for breakfast!


"We are surrounded by a great cloud of people whose lives tell us what faith means. So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way, and the sin that so easily holds us back."